Y O U L O S E ! ! !

Nino sighed upon seeing the text on his DS, but immediately forced a smile when he looked up to see the guy responsible for his failed mission. What met him was a shy smile, which seemed like a stark contrast against the prominent eyebrows, and warm eyes that made Nino forget about the disruptions.

“I’m sorry, you’re the librarian here, right?”

Upon closer inspection at him, Nino realized that he actually recognized the man. They never talked, simply because Nino had never talked to anyone in his workplace aside from his colleagues, but Nino knows that this is the man who has been going to this library since around a year ago, always at the same corner, always with a stack of books and a laptop.

He’s cute, was Nino’s first thought, but he immediately shooed it away.

“I am, how may I help you?”

“I’m looking for this book, actually.” He slid a piece of paper on the counter and smiled shyly. “I tried going through the shelf on my own, but I haven’t been able to find it. Would it be too much of a bother if I ask you for some help?”

Nino put down his DS and stood up, looking at the paper. He faced the guy once more and nodded, before going to the computer and looking up the title.

“It’s pretty old, it seems. I can accompany you to the shelf, if you want.”

“If you don’t mind.” The man replied.

Nino went out of the counter and gestured at the stranger to follow him. It’s located on one of the less visited shelves, and Nino just hoped it would be there and not misplaced somewhere between the hundreds of shelves in this library. “You know, you’re one of the nicest people who has asked for my help here,” Nino said mindlessly.

The man quirked his thick eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

“You see, sometimes people would just dump a stack of titles and tell me to find it, and if I say we don’t have it, they’d go complain about how libraries are so incomplete now. Sometimes I help them and they just stomp off without a word. Not that I mind, though. I like working here, it’s quiet and peaceful.” He replied, grinning.

“It is a nice place, and I think you’re doing a good work maintaining it….” The man eyes strayed to Nino’s nametag.

“It’s Ninomiya. Ninomiya Kazunari.”

“Ninomiya-san. I’m Jun.” The man––Jun––smiled again, and Nino felt his heart jump a little bit in his chest.

“Nino is fine. And here we are.” Nino gestured towards the shelf that contained the book Jun was looking for, and Jun gave him another dazzling smile.

“Thank you for your help, Nino.”

Nino finished his shift with a huge smile on his face that day.

***

“Basically, some hot guy hit you up at work, and he’s a bit on the nerdy side but he also looks like he would be able to melt people into puddles?” Aiba took another piece of the okonomiyaki, excitedly waiting for Nino to continue his story.

“You’re missing the entire point, Aiba-sshi.” Nino sighed. “I was just telling you that for once someone was so polite in asking for help.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t leave out the part that he’s cute and looked like a snack.” Aiba grinned.

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with you.” Aiba is always too sharp for his own good, and he’s always able to look through whatever facade Nino’s putting up, and the main story behind whatever he decided to tell Aiba.

“I love you too, Nino-chan.” Aiba smiled before sipping his ice tea. “So, you like this cute nerd, and what are you going to do about it?”

Nino gulped down his drink before shrugging. “It’s probably not even that serious, I just found him interesting, that’s all.”

Aiba just looked at him, studying his face to see if Nino actually meant what he said, but then he gave up and snatched another piece of okonomiyaki.

“Well, if you say so.”

***

It’s almost closing time, and Nino has the last shift, so he’s going through the shelves, checking if there are still any visitors. He has always doubted it, though. The library closes at midnight, and who would spend all night at a library? Nino just wanted to lock up, go home, go back to his games, and sleep.

Until he spotted a hunched figure at one of the corners.

Nino recognized him from the broad shoulders and the stack of books around him. He walked towards the man, and since he has earphones are plugged in, he probably didn’t notice Nino. There’s only the soft sound of keypads being pressed, and Nino marveled at how exquisite Jun’s fingers are, dancing on the keyboard like a choreography he had memorized. Nino grinned, and then softly tapped his shoulder.

“Excuse me, Jun-kun,” Nino tried to make his voice as gentle as possible as not to surprise Jun, nevertheless the man still jerked in surprise, hand automatically removing his earphones. “Sorry to surprise you, it’s almost closing time.”

“Ah, good evening, Nino.” Jun turned, and Nino’s heart nearly stopped.

The man was wearing glasses.

It was obscured by the bangs earlier, but now that he’s looking up at Nino like this, his eyes framed in black-framed glasses, Nino couldn’t help but hating his heart for beating around like crazy in his chest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t notice the time.” Jun continued, snapping Nino back to reality. “I’ll tidy this up now.”

“Do you need any help?”

“If it’s not too much bother for you already, please.” Jun smiled.

“You’re never too much of a bother, Jun-kun. Everyone who’s in the library, as long as they’re not noisy, they’re never a bother.” Nino assured, picking up some of the books. “After all, people come here to be away from the noise, from those bothers out there, so I don’t think anyone would come here to be one.”

Jun hummed, putting some books back on their shelves, “That’s an interesting way to look at it. I guess that’s what you would expect from a librarian.”

“I don’t like noise,” Nino continued. “Nor crowds. I don’t like going out either, but I have to work, right? So this is just, you know, perfect.” He smiled.

“I think it’s lovely that you truly enjoy what you’re doing now,” Jun commented, picking up the last stack of books.

“Well, what about you? What does Jun-kun like doing?” Nino grinned, trying to play it off as casual as possible.

“Is that a move to try to get to know me better?” Jun quirked one of his eyebrows, but he’s smiling.

“Is it working?”

Surprisingly, Jun laughed at it, before proceeding to close his laptop and tidy up his stuff. “I’m an editor at a publishing company. My dream was to be an author, though. But so far I’ve only gotten this far.” He answered, gesturing at his laptop.

“That doesn’t answer my question, though.” Nino smiled. “Do you enjoy what you’re doing?”

Jun looked at Nino for a few beats, before looking away, “It’s close enough to what I want to be. Maybe one day I will be able to publish my own book, but for now, I’m learning a lot from the other authors.” He answered. “I guess dreams change too, just like people.”

“Has yours changed?”

Jun smiled at him. “Maybe not completely.”

“Then I think you should work hard to achieve it, I’m rooting for you,” Nino stated, and for once, he truly meant it. He’s saying this genuinely after all, seeing how Jun’s eyes were so honest when he was answering his questions. It’s like he has his guard down, allowing Nino to see the parts he doesn’t dare to show anyone else. Maybe it’s the late hour, maybe it’s exhaustion from work. Nino doesn’t have any idea, but he wants to treasure this.

It was when he looked at Jun again when he noticed a faint blush has crept to Jun’s cheeks, down to his neck. “Ah, maybe it’s time to close up? I think I’ll need to catch the train soon.” Jun mumbled, clearly trying so hard so that his voice wouldn’t betray him––it did anyway.

Nino nodded. “It’s okay, I still need to look through the other areas. You can go ahead.”

Jun bowed a little, “Thank you as always, Nino.” He smiled.

“Jun-kun?” Nino called out when Jun was about to exit the room. Jun stopped, looking at him with wide eyes. “Thank you for sharing your dream with me.”

Jun smiled and left without any other word.

Nino didn’t realize that he had been smiling until his cheeks had started to hurt.

***

They talked a lot after that. Nino learned that Jun works on his book whenever he has the time––which is not much, considering the amount of editing Jun has to do for other authors. On some days Jun would come to the library with probably his 7th cup of coffee of the day, with horrible eyebags and complete exhaustion, but he would still smile at Nino, then take his place at the corner. Jun would sometimes visit during the mornings of the weekend.

Nino enjoys talking to Jun. The man always talked so passionately about the things he loves, about the books he’s working on, about the authors he’s working with. Jun also loves astronomy, so he would tell Nino about the stars, the constellations, even though at first, Nino had no interest whatsoever on it. Jun would engage Nino in conversations, let Nino talk to him about his games and Jun always listens attentively.

It was another day of Nino gaming at the back of the counter when Jun came with a friend, both of them dressed in crisp suits. The stranger walking next to Jun has a refreshing image, if Nino were asked to describe him. He was smiling and talking softly to Jun, and when Jun noticed Nino, he flashed a smile.

“Good evening, Nino.” He greeted, and Nino put down his DS to grin at him.

“Hi, Jun-kun. It’s rare to see you with someone else.”

“This is Sho-kun, my colleague. I promised him some reference books, which is why I brought him here. I hope you don’t mind.” Jun introduced him, and Sho gave Nino an acknowledging nod.

“Thank you for always taking care of Jun, I’m sorry he often stays here until late.”

“Shhh,” Jun shushed him. “Nino doesn’t mind, right, Nino?”

Nino felt awkward, being between the two, but he gave them his most confident grin anyway. “Of course not, Sho-san. Jun-kun is always so polite and pleasant, and he always has interesting topics to talk about. It’s a good distraction from my 24/7 gaming life.”

Jun gave Nino another big grin. “We’ll be at my usual place, then.”

“Enjoy your stay.” Nino smiled, and once they’ve left, Nino slumped back in his chair, thinking about Sho. He’s probably an editor too, and someone close to Jun, after all, he called Jun with his first name only. He’s attractive too, polite, a decent guy. Meanwhile here’s Nino, spending his days sitting behind the library counter, playing games, and tidying up books.

He wonders if Sho and Jun always engage in deep, long, meaningful conversations, and maybe they are doing exactly that right now. Nino skillfully hits all the buttons, killing off his enemies.

“Ninomiya-kun?” Kento, one of the part-timers interrupted, snapping Nino out of his thoughts. He looked up. “Would you mind helping me classifying these titles? There are ones that I still keep mixing up.”

Nino just nodded and stood up, following Kento. He caught Jun and Sho laughing together from the corner of his eye, and he closed them almost right after, trying to block it from his peripheral, and he tried to forget all about it.

He doesn’t like this.

***

Nino found himself in front of Aiba’s doorstep later that night. It’s not his turn to close up today, and Jun and Sho were still at their position when he left, but he didn’t say goodbye. Instead, he had written a text to Aiba, telling him that he’s coming over.

Aiba replied with a bunch of jumping around emojis and a thumbs up, and now here he is.

“Nino-chan! Come here, come here.” He opened the door and let Nino in. It’s October, and it’s starting to become chilly outside. Nino took off his coat and scarf, hanging them on its place, having memorized Aiba’s place like the back of his hand.

“You just got back from work?”

“Yeah, I did some extra documents today.” Aiba grinned. Nino hummed. Aiba is a kindergarten teacher, and growing up with him, Nino had always expected that Aiba would be in a field of work that would require him to work with either children or animals, so he wasn’t wrong. “I haven’t had the time to cook, though. So I don’t have anything on hand.”

“It’s fine, I bought takeout, your favorite.” Nino held up the Chinese dishes he bought, after all, he was the one who asked to come out of nowhere.

“You’re unusually kind today. What’s happening?” Aiba grinned, taking the bag of takeout, walking to the kitchen.

“I’m always kind.” Nino stuck out his tongue, and Aiba made gagging sounds. “I’m going to take my spare clothes and change.”

“Go ahead.”

Nino went and changed his work clothes––which is honestly just a sweater and pants––to the pair of shorts and faded t-shirt he has left at Aiba’s place months ago. He sighed, being with Aiba is relaxing, his worries and anxieties from everything that happened at work slowly but surely fading away.

Aiba has put the food on two plates and set them on the low table in front of the TV when Nino emerged from the room. Aiba put up his finger, telling him to wait, just to disappear into the room, coming back with shorts and T-shirts, and proceeded to pull Nino to the couch and turned on the TV.

Now Nino’s leaning on Aiba’s side, holding his plate of food, and leaning his head on Aiba’s shoulder. They sit there together in silence, only the sound of spoon against the plate and the quiz show on TV. This is what Nino loves about Aiba, he knows when he just needs the ears, or just the warmth, the comfort. He doesn’t push, but if Nino decides to tell him, he listens.

“Masaki…”

“Hmm?”

“You see, today Jun-kun came with his friend,” Nino started, eyes closing. He remembered Jun’s smile, him talking with Sho softly, him laughing. He remembered Sho’s warm smile towards him, and it makes him feel like shit for feeling like this. “They were talking about books and work, and he seemed to know him so well.”

Aiba just hummed, and Nino moved to curl himself against Aiba, now head resting against Aiba’s chest. “I know there’s probably nothing between them, and honestly, there’s no reason for me to feel this way, you know?” Nino sighed. “I just feel awful because Jun-kun was nice to me as always, this Sho guy was really nice to me too, and now here I am feeling like shit because it bothered me and I don’t even understand why I feel like this. I just— I hate myself because I can’t be the one who sits there and talks to him for hours, and I can’t even comprehend why I would want that.”

Aiba’s hand moved to ruffle Nino’s hair.

“You really like him, don’t you, Nino?” He asked softly.

Nino didn’t answer. And he realised mostly it was because he was scared that the answer was yes.

Aiba planted a kiss on the top of Nino’s forehead, and as he drifted to sleep, he silently thanks the universe for giving Aiba Masaki as his best friend.

***

Jun hasn’t come for a week now, and Nino had started to feel lonely. Which is weird, because he has been working in this place for a while and never once has he ever felt lonely. After all, he’s here for the solitude, he’s here because he wants to be alone.

But now he found himself glancing at the door every five minutes, hoping that a certain broad, tall figure would show up and greet him with the smile that would reach his eyes, turning them into half-moons. But Jun hasn’t shown up in a week, and Nino hates to admit this, but he missed Jun. Only slightly.

He just finished sorting some documents and classifying them to their folders when the door opened, revealing Jun in a crumpled suit, and he looked even more tired than he usually is. His hair was disheveled and he threw a tired smile at Nino. “Hi.”

“Tough week?”

“Spent all week trying to catch a deadline, as the author submitted the manuscript all the way to the last minute, I had to pull 3 all nighters in a row for all of them to be printed on time.” He sighed, slumping, resting his head on his arms as he leaned on the counter.

“Thanks for your hard work.” Nino chuckled, smiling warmly at him, and when Jun smiled back, Nino suddenly felt a sudden rush of relief washing over him.

“Say, Nino,” Jun suddenly started, and Nino looked up at him. “Next Sunday, I’m off work, and there’s no deadline that week, so I’m planning to go and find some inspiration for my book. Going places, seeing things and people, you know.” He started, and he’s not looking at Nino, and Nino’s just hoping he’s just giving him false hope. “So I was wondering if … you want to come with me? I understand that you don’t like to go out, so if you want to spend your Sunday at home, I totally understand, I just thought it’d be nice to have another perspec––”

“Jun-kun,” Nino cuts off Jun’s rambles softly, tugging at Jun’s sleeves. “I’d love to go finding inspirations, or whatever you call it, with you.”

“Are you sure? You don’t mind me stealing your day-off away?”

“Well, I need to see the outside world more.” Nino grinned. “Maybe you can show me new things I’ve never seen before.”

Jun smiled widely, and Nino is so glad he said yes.

“Then I’ll meet you at the coffee shop across the street, Sunday morning.” Jun slid down his business card on the counter, before scribbling what Nino assumes is his personal number. “Just call me if I haven’t arrived yet by then.”

Nino nodded and Jun made his way to exit the library and Nino looked at him in confusion. “Wait, you only came for that?”

“Well, yeah. I’m too tired to do any more work, seriously.”

Nino laughed, and he’s so happy, so happy because Jun is here and Jun just asked him out on what sounded like a date. He came here just for Nino, and he gave Jun one of his most genuine smiles. “Be careful on your way home, Jun-kun. Get a lot of sleep, I’ll see you on Sunday.”

“I’ll see you on Sunday.”

Nino spent the rest of the day classifying yet another stack of documents while humming a random song.

He can’t wait for Sunday.

***

Friday and Saturday felt like forever as Nino waited for Sunday to roll in. He and Jun promised to meet at around 11AM, with Jun sheepishly confessing that he’s not good with mornings, so he asked for more time to wake up, and Nino just laughed, saying yes.

Aiba had stayed over on Saturday night, saying that he’s going to dress Nino up, and since Aiba knows his way around with clothes and fashion, Nino didn’t actually mind. Which resulted in him showing up here in a beige oversized hoodie and white pants.

[“You’re tiny, Nino, this emphasized that and you told me he’s tall and broad and this is perfect, perfect because this makes you look so cute and huggable and boyfriend-able, if that’s even a word, and he’s going to want to hug you just by taking one look at you.” Aiba excitedly told him, looking satisfied at the coordination.

Nino sighed. “That’s not going to happen, but okay,” he looked up. “Thank you, Masaki.”

Aiba smiled at him.]

Jun had texted him 15 minutes ago asking if he wanted anything, and Nino only answered with a quick Latte, and when he looked through the coffee shop window, Jun was at the cashier, and Nino allowed himself a happy smile, waiting for him.

When Jun walked out of the coffee shop, it revealed him in a roll-neck with a slit on the rib —what?— showing the white T-shirt underneath, his long legs wrapped in jeans. Nino almost forgot how to speak at the sight of Jun’s glasses––damn his glasses, seriously, damn it––and how Jun’s bangs were just cutely lying all over the place.

Jun had two paper coffee cups in his hands, and he gave Nino one of them. “Thank you for waiting.” He smiled. The soft autumn sun is hitting the side of his face softly, and Nino thinks he would never get tired of this.

“Thank you, Jun-kun.” Nino grinned. “So… where are we going?”

“You sound like Dora the Explorer.” Jun commented, scrolling through his notes.

“If you say that, then all taxi drivers would be Dora the Explorer.” Nino rolled his eyes, but glad to see that Jun is being all playful. “Seriously though, are we just going to wander aimlessly around town? Though I wouldn’t mind that,” as long as I’m with you, he didn’t say.

“I have some places I want to check, though some of them I want to see how they look like during certain times of the day, but it’s okay, we can take our time. Are you ready, then?” Jun looked at him, and when Nino nodded, a wide smile beautified his features. “Okay.”

When Jun told him that they were going places, he really did mean going places. They went through a tunnel, Jun took notes on the way the sunlight crept through the entrance, and how the shadows were formed. Sometimes, he asked Nino to stand somewhere for him, so he could reimagine his characters. They had eaten lunch together––homemade food!––that Jun brought. They went to view a lake, and Jun wrote on how the water splashed and how clear the reflection was.

It mesmerized Nino on how serious Jun is in doing the thing he loves. Nino doesn’t even know what Jun is writing about, but he’s sure that he would read it over and over.

“I like details,” Jun told him as they’re sitting on the top of a grass hill which they had climbed for around 30 minutes, and now they’re at the top, watching the sky magically turning into shades of purple, pink, and orange. Nino has a flower in his hand, one Jun had picked and handed to him wordlessly. “Everything in the world was created with care, and when I’m creating something, I think it’s important that I pay attention to even the smallest of details that will have an effect on it too.”

Nino hummed, looking at Jun, his brown eyes are reflecting the colors of the sky, and Nino doesn’t think he had ever seen Jun this beautiful before.

“You see, my dream is to be able to build my own world.” Jun continued. “I want to be able to build a world where the readers can escape to when real life gets too much for them, and for that to happen, it has to be real enough to imagine, right? I want them to be able to feel what the characters feel, I want them to be able to see what the characters see from their eyes, it may vary, but it’s okay. That’s the point of it all. I want my words to reach them.”

There’s a pause, the sound of the birds chirping, and the wind softly brushing their skin. The sun is still silently setting, finishing his duty for the day, illuminating the sky with a thousand colors.

“Thank you for helping me building my world today, Nino.”

Maybe it’s Jun’s declaration of his dream, maybe it’s Jun’s raw feelings that were expressed so genuinely, maybe it’s the warm look Jun is giving Nino, maybe it’s the flower Nino’s holding with his small hands, but the next thing he know was that he has scooted over to press his lips against Jun’s, tentative, hesitant.

He could feel Jun tensing under his touch, but then he relaxed, kissing back, and Nino thought, he would climb a hill every day if that’s what it takes for him to be able to feel the way Jun’s lips pressed against his, the way Jun’s hand flew to cup Nino’s nape and kissing him deeper, the feel of Jun’s hair curled around his fingers.

Jun, just like in anything else that he does, put his utmost effort in kissing him. He kissed Nino like there’s no tomorrow, like he’s trying to memorize every feeling that’s bursting out of the both of them so he can write them down with his words. Nino surrendered into the kiss, and when their noses bumped, Nino chuckled against Jun’s lips.

They pulled apart, but never able to pull away too far away from each other’s lips, so Nino plants short, quick kisses on Jun’s mouth, enjoying the discovery of the beauty marks around Jun’s lips, and giving them appreciative pecks. “I can’t believe I have to run around Tokyo and climb a hill to finally do this to you.” He murmured against Jun’s mouth, their foreheads still touching.

Jun laughed, pressing another kiss on his lips. “Was it worth it?”

“Very much.” Nino laughed happily, before leaning in for another kiss.

***

It’s another Monday at the library and closing time is getting near again. Nino hasn’t seen Jun saying goodbye to him, which means that Jun is still there at his usual corner. Nino tidied up the documents he was working on, putting them in his drawer, before going to look for his lover—his lover! Nino can’t believe it himself.

It’s been a month since the inspiration-hunting-that-turned-into-a-date thing. Jun has been busy at work, but he has been coming to the library whenever he has the time, he brings Nino food and tells him about the progress of the book (which is not much, considering Jun’s mountain pile of work). Some nights, Jun would call Nino even when he’s already curled under the blanket. He would still hear the sound of the keyboard being pressed and Jun would talk to him until he fell asleep. They hug, a lot, since it turned out Jun loves hugging. Plus, Jun is like a huge teddy bear. That’s a bonus. They kiss, a lot, because Jun is an excellent kisser, of course (not that Nino would lose). They talk, a lot.

It’s been a wonderful, eventful month for Nino, and a curve appeared on his lips as he reminisced about it.

Jun, as always, is curled in his seat, face buried in his arms, glasses placed on the keyboard. He doesn’t have his earphones plugged in, though. Nino smiled fondly at the sight before gently sitting on the chair next to Jun’s.

“Jun-kun,” Nino murmured. “Are you asleep?”

Nino watched in endearment as Jun’s eyes fluttered open, eyelashes fanning his cheeks. Jun is cute when his guard is down like this, hair tousled and eyes sleepy. “Mm, Kazu?”

Nino’s heart skipped a beat––or two, he has no idea. Jun has never called him that, nor has he ever told Jun about that nickname. Nino wants to blame it on Jun’s half-asleep state, and he probably won’t remember, but does that mean Jun has already had that nickname at the back his mind all this time?

Nino tried to just get the thought away from his head, and he moved to bury his hand in Jun’s hair. “It’s near closing time. You need to go home and get some rest properly, too.” Nino eyed the manuscript in front of Jun, his editorial work, then.

As Jun slowly came back to life, he blinked a few times before nodding. “‘M sorry, I can help you clean up and close up if you want.”

“What are you talking about? You’re a visitor, Jun-kun.” Nino protested. “Go home, okay. You’re so tired, get some rest.” He softened his tone, dropping a kiss on Jun’s forehead.

Jun tugged at his sleeves. “Do you want to come with me?”

Nino stared at him for a while, before deciding that considering how tired Jun looks, he figured that it might be better for him to accompany him until he’s home safely. He nodded, patting Jun’s thigh. “Just wait a bit as I finish up some things, okay?”

Jun nodded and stood up to tidy up his stuff and he waited for Nino at the exit. Nino emerged from the library with his coat and scarf, locked up, and offered his hand to Jun.

“Shall we?”

Jun’s smile was obscured by his scarf, but Nino could tell from his eyes.

He took Nino’s hand.

***

They walked while holding hands to the station, bumping into each other and giggling like teenagers. Jun’s hand felt warm in Nino’s, and Nino’s sure he can definitely get used to the feeling of walking around while holding Jun’s hand. It’s a small gesture compared to kisses and things like that, but it’s one Nino’s really fond of.

The last train was empty and Jun had bent down to steal one kiss or two from Nino who was sitting down, acting confident and all but Nino could see the blush on his cheeks. Nino just chuckled, enjoying the attention.

“It’s been a long, long while since I last brought someone home,” Jun confessed, unlocking the door of his apartment. “Please come in.” He gestured at Nino to enter, and Nino muttered a low sorry for the intrusion.

Jun closed and locked the door behind him, and Nino immediately noticed how neat and tidy Jun’s apartment is. Although knowing Jun, Nino had seen it coming. Jun offered to take off his coat and hung it on the coat hook. Nino stood on his tiptoes, kissing his cheek as thanks.

Jun made Nino a cup of hot chocolate and put it on the table. “Do you want a shower? A bath?”

“I don’t do baths. A shower would be nice, though.” Nino answered. “Ah, but I didn’t bring any change–”

“Want to wear mine?” The question came out so casually that it suddenly hit Nino all over again that this is Jun’s house, and Jun is his lover, and he just offered if Nino wants to wear his clothes because he’s staying at his house. It all still feels unreal.

“Ah, yeah. That would be nice.” He stammered a bit, but since Jun just nodded and disappeared to his room, Nino sat down and let himself take a good look at the apartment. There’s a work desk at the corner, and a two big shelves full of books. There are papers scattered on the desk, probably the work Jun has left. The kitchen is clean and obviously taken care of, and Nino stood up to admire Jun’s books collection.

Classic English and Japanese literature, dictionaries, books from some authors which Nino assumed are the authors Jun were in charge of. Notebooks, novels, light novels, biographies, books on astronomy. There were also some mangas at the bottom shelf, and Nino found himself smiling at the sight of it.

Jun emerged from the bedroom, holding a pair of hoodie, sweatpants, underwear, and a towel. He placed them on the table. Nino moved to wrap his arms around Jun’s slim waist, burying his face in Jun’s chest. “I’m sorry, you need rest, and now here you are,” he paused. “But thank you, Jun-kun.”

“It’s fine, I’m glad you’re here.” Jun smiled and kissed the top of Nino’s head before detaching himself from Nino. “Take a shower first. I have two bathrooms, so I’ll take the other one.”

Nino nodded and stole a kiss from Jun before he took the set of clothing Jun had prepared for him and went to take the shower. He noticed Jun’s shampoo and soap lined up neatly at the bathroom, his toothbrush, his shaving cream, and Nino wonders how deep Jun has let him into his life.

Jun’s hoodie is obviously too big on him, but it smells like Jun, and since he used Jun’s shampoo, that also smells like Jun. Nino went out of the bathroom and found Jun sitting in front of his working desk, hair damp and falling cutely on his forehead, wearing a Piglet pajama. Cute, Nino thought.

“Matsumoto Jun,” Nino nagged. “Why are you working? Get some sleep.”

“Just this one chapter? Please?”

Nino sighed in defeat, standing behind Jun’s chair and watching as Jun thoroughly checks through the manuscript, working quickly but accurately. Nino is always so impressed at how much of a hard worker Jun is, he always made sure to put in 100% effort in everything, aiming only for the best result. Maybe that’s what made him good at his job, too.

When Jun placed his bookmark and closed the manuscript, he stood up and turned to Nino, smiling at him. “Sleep?”

Nino stared at Jun for a few moments, looking at the bags under his eyes, the tired yet still genuine smile on Jun’s face, and once again stood on his tiptoes and kissed Jun. Jun’s arm flew to wrap around his waist, keeping him stable, and kissing back. It’s slow, soft, and serene, just their lips continuously meeting each other, until Nino pulled away to hug Jun tight.

Jun’s arms wrapped around Nino’s form, but Nino could sense the confusion in him.

“What is it, Nino? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s good,” he answered against Jun’s shoulder. “Everything’s good, I’m just so proud of you.”

Jun exhaled against his neck. “I’m so glad I have you.”

Nino fell asleep in Jun’s arms that night, and it was the best sleep he’s had in a very, very long time.

***

Nino’s sitting next to Jun, the library is unusually empty, and Nino finished doing all the paperwork he has to do anyway, so he figured he should just watch Jun working instead of gaming alone behind the counter.

What a person he has become.

“Work is calming down this week,” Jun said, fingers still waltzing on the keyboard, movement rapid and pleasing to watch. “Want to go somewhere? Or I don’t know, spend time home all day together or something.”

“The latter sounds good,” Nino replied, closing the book he’s reading. “How’s your book coming along?”

“I’m working on the epilogue.”

“Epilogue already? That’s fast.” He commented. “Well, you were already writing it before we became friends, which is like…” Nino trailed off, trying to remember.

“August 30th,” Jun mumbled.

“You remember the date?” Nino gaped. He should’ve known better, though. Knowing Jun who probably has a complete, detailed journal, of course, he would be able to remember something like that.

Jun sighed. “It was my birthday.” He muttered. “I told myself that my gift for myself to finally bring myself to talk to you. How stupid, right? I mean––”

“Jun-kun…” Nino stared at Jun before breaking into a wide grin. “You’re so cute!” He launched himself at Jun, forgetting completely about being in his workplace. Now he has his arms wrapped around Jun’s neck, hugging him. “I’m so glad you talked to me.” He kissed Jun’s cheek, smiling when blush started to creep on Jun’s cheeks.

“Don’t get sappy now.” Jun detached himself from Nino, going back to his laptop, clearly trying to hide his shyness.

“Aw, who’s the sappy guy who decided to talk to his crush on his birthday? That’s so cute, Jun-kun, seriously, I’m never going to forget that. Hell, I probably will get that tattooed so I’ll always remember on how the universe had moved you to talk to me, and how it had led to me taking you through a lot, a lot of shel––”

Whatever it is that Nino planned to say to tease Jun is lost in Jun’s mouth when Jun leaned to kiss him silent, Nino chuckling against the kiss, holding onto Jun’s shoulder. When Jun pulled away, he grinned at Nino.

“You’re so annoying.”

“I love you, too, Jun-kun.”

Jun froze, and Nino realized the weight of what he just said, but instead of taking it back, he smiled at him, nodding, assuring Jun that yes, he meant it, he meant it. Finally, Jun recovered, giving Nino a smile.

“I know.”

***

Nino received a text from Jun when he just got home. Jun said he’s working late at the office tonight, so he wouldn’t be coming to the library. Nino opened the notification, reading the words on the screen. I finished it, by the way. The book. Now I don’t know what to do.

Nino smiled, he knows exactly what Jun means by the last sentence, but he tried to ease the tension for him. Well, you’re an editor. I’m sure you know how these things go :D, he paused and sent the text, before writing again. You worked hard on it, Jun-kun. Go for it. The world is waiting for your words.

He sees Jun had read the message, but it’s taking awhile for him to answer. Nino put down his phone along with other things and cleaned up. When he checked his phone again, Jun had sent him an answer.

Okay.

***

Two weeks later, Jun received his first rejection email.

Jun has been kept busy with work lately, handling a lot of authors with a lot of deadlines he needs to catch. But he’s supposed to come to the library today, telling Nino he’s going to drop by that hamburger steak takeout restaurant to bring it for Nino later.

But Jun had texted him, Nino, I’m sorry. I’m going home today. I’ll go and see you tomorrow. And something is tugging at Nino’s heart that this is not right, that something was wrong, and so, when Nino finished work for the day, he headed for Jun’s place.

Jun had shyly gave him the spare key to his apartment the week after Nino stayed over at his place for the first time, when they were going home after Nino brought Jun to meet Aiba.

[“When you were at the toilet, Aiba-san told me you often barged into his place.” Jun grinned.

“I always tell him about it beforehand, okay! It’s not barging in!” Nino grumbled, swearing in his head that he’s going to kill Aiba with too much mabo tofu the next time they meet. But Jun had taken out a black box from his bag, handing it to Nino.

“Well, I’m just glad he gave me an excuse to give this to you,” Jun shyly gestured at Nino to open it, and there were keys inside. “Barge into my place anytime, okay?” ]

Nino sighed, he’s standing in front of Jun’s apartment, and he inserted the key into the keyhole, hearing the door click when he turned it . He entered, and Jun rushed to the genkan, still in work clothes, and his eyes wide at the sight of Nino.

“I thought someone had broke in,” he sighed. “Nino. Why are you here?”

“Why can’t I be here?” Nino asked, taking off his shoes and entering, setting his bag down on the floor. He walked, approaching Jun. “Jun-kun, did something happen?”

Jun stared at him like he can’t believe Nino’s here, like he wasn’t expecting Nino to literally barge into his apartment like that, and the next thing Nino knew was that he’s in Jun’s arms, the man hugging him so tight it’s almost painful to breathe, but Nino had wrapped his arms around Jun’s waist anyway, letting Jun take what he needs.

Nino drew mindless circles at the small of Jun’s back soothingly, “I’m here, Jun-kun. I’m here.”

Nino softly pushed Jun to guide them to the couch, sitting Jun down, and then he spotted it, Jun’s laptop, open. Nino gestured at the laptop, wordlessly asking for permission, and Jun nodded. He scooted over, reading the words on the screen.

It was a rejection email, from one of the publishers Jun had submitted his manuscript to. Everything fell into place. Nino moved and sat down on Jun’s lap before hugging him tight, hand burying itself in Jun’s hair, and he let Jun rest his chin on his shoulder. “How many publishers did you send it to?”

“Three.” Jun answered, mumbling against Nino’s shoulder. “Isn’t it pathetic? I mean, I’ve seen a lot of young aspiring authors being rejected by my company. At one point even I once wrote that rejection letter to someone. And now here I am, sitting here, being all depressed because I received one for myself.”

Nino wasn’t able to say anything, arms still wrapping around Jun’s form. Jun sighed.

“Did you fall for my dreams, Nino?” Jun murmurs, and Nino stayed silent, listening. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, I feel like I’m losing sight of it, you know. After all, only fools would hold onto dreams that are uncertain, dreams that I’m not even sure if I would be able to achieve. What if one day I’ll lose them?”

“Lose what?”

“My dreams. The ones that brought you to me.” Nino was about to say something, but Jun interrupted. “What if one day I become someone who’s not good enough for you?”

Nino could almost hear the sound of his heart breaking as he tightened his hold around Jun, “No, Jun-kun, you know you––”

“I’m nothing without them, you see. And then there’d be nothing left for you to…” he trailed off, but Nino knew what he was trying to say. There’d be nothing for you to love, and Nino almost sighed out loud at the sentence. He knew Jun was overwhelmed by the current series of events, and maybe the guy doesn’t even realize what he’d just said, but it broke Nino’s heart nonetheless.

He would never run out of things to love about Jun, hell, someone can ask what is it that he loves about Jun and there would be a never-ending list. Nino found himself finding things to love even in the littlest actions Jun does, and he can’t believe how Jun really thinks he would fall out of love just because of his failures. He wants to be there for Jun during the sunny and the rainy days, he wants to be there for Jun when it’s easy and when it’s hard. He wants––needs Jun to understand.

Nino closed his eyes and tried to control his thoughts, his breathing, his emotions. At least one of them had to be stable, anyway. He can’t lose his temper or snap at Jun or worsen the situation because that wouldn’t solve anything, so he curls his fingers in Jun’s hair, pressing a kiss on the side of his head, before he decided that he needs to say something.

Nino pushed Jun away a bit so he’s able to cup Jun’s face with his hands, and caressed Jun’s cheekbones with his thumb. “Jun-kun,” Nino started softly. “One rejection letter doesn’t mean what you wrote is terrible. You know that yourself, Jun-kun. I also know that you understand all too well that everyone sees differently, so one opinion is not enough. There are a lot of shittily written bestseller books out there, but no one had the courage to pick them out.”

Silence washed over them, just the sound of them breathing. Nino dived deep into Jun’s eyes. They’re honest, the hazel color shining from tears that are threatening to fall.

“This email doesn’t mean there’s nobody out there who will listen to your words, who will read your words. This email is not going to stop you from sharing the world you spent nights building, decorating, perfecting, to other people. I know you know that, Jun-kun. This dream you’ve been working so hard on, it still have ways to go. It’s not going to end here, both you and I know that,” Nino caressed Jun’s cheekbones once more, then the sides of his face, offering comfort. “Where’s the hard working, stubborn dreamer I fell in love with, huh?”

“Nino…”

“I love you, Jun-kun,” Nino declared, making sure he’s looking straight into Jun’s eyes when he said it. “I love you. Your dreams, your ambitions, and the man you are right now. I love you when you’re talking to me about the stars even though I barely understand anything, or when you just sit there at the corner of the library reading a ton of books. I love you when you drag me outside of the house for your inspiration-huntings, and when you show me what you have written. I love you when you’re doing your editor work or getting immersed in your writing.”

Jun is looking at him in disbelief, and Nino didn’t even rehearse this, he doesn’t know why and how he’s saying all this, but he can’t stop. The words are spilling out of him.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m only here for the good days,” Nino continued. “It means I will love you on the days where you feel like the world is falling apart, or when the day worsens. I will love you when your dreams are starting to wear you out and you feel like you want to run away. I will love you when you’re difficult to love, when work is tiring and when they run out of those steak sauce you love so much, or when the world completely wears you down. I will love you, Jun-kun, tirelessly, never-endingly. For everything that you are.”

Jun gaped at Nino’s long speech, and then he leaned and kissed Nino, passionate and desperate, like he’s trying to convey everything he can’t put into words in one kiss. It wasn’t like any of their previous kisses before, not the soft, hesitant first kiss they had on the top of the hill, not the quick, subtle kisses at the library followed by burst of giggles. This a declaration, Nino realized. This is Jun telling him that his words reached him, this is Jun’s way of telling him I love you.

Nino finds it interesting, as he sighed against Jun’s mouth, reducing the distance between them, that the writer is Jun, and yet Jun is the one who has never put how he feels towards Nino into words. But it’s okay, he thought, as he felt Jun’s hand desperately burying itself in Nino’s hair, after all Nino understands, Jun’s feelings reached him. It will always do.

They pulled apart, foreheads touching, breathless and panting, and Jun finally cracked his first smile of the evening. Nino could see his eyes were heavily lidded by affection and tears, and Nino chuckled.

“You beat me to it, huh.” Jun said breathlessly.

“What?”

“What kind of confession would I have to do to top the one you did just now?”

Nino grinned. “Kiss me the way you just did for the next 3 hours?”

Jun rolled his eyes, giggling, and gave Nino a short kiss.

“Thank you, Kazu,” he whispered, and Nino closed his eyes at the nickname, smiling. “Really, thank you.”

***

It was a cold Sunday morning in December, with Nino still wrapped in Jun’s thick duvet. He had stayed over the previous night, since Jun was busy and he hasn’t come to the library for almost two weeks. Nino missed him, so he had headed there right after work, accompanying Jun working. Though practically he had slept alone anyway, since Jun brought home work with him.

Nino was woken up by a shake on his shoulder. “Kazu, Kazu, oh my god.” It was Jun. Jun’s calling him Kazu. Which means he’s either really happy, or sleep-deprived, or drunk, or in an extremely affectionate mood. But it’s too early to wake up, and even though Jun keeps calling him with the nickname, Nino just doesn’t want to open his eyes.

“Jun-kun… it’s so early…” He complained, shuffling in the bed.

“Kazu, my god.” Jun jumped onto the bed, crossing his leg, so Nino just has to scoot closer and rest his chin on Jun’s thigh. Jun opened his laptop on the bed, and Nino’s eyes had to adjust to the light before he was able to read the email Jun’s showing him.

Dear Mr. Matsumoto Jun,

My name is Ohno Satoshi, and after careful deliberation, I’m pleased to inform you that I have been assigned to be your editor. We have received your manuscript, titled The Names of the Summer, and decided to have it published by our company.

Please contact me as soon as possible to arrange a meeting to discuss the contract and publication, and please do not hesitate for further inquiries. I look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,

Ohno Satoshi

Editor

Nino couldn’t believe his eyes, he blinked, re-reading the email over and over. It didn’t change. The mixture of ecstasy, pride, and happiness is swelling within him. It’s here, it’s here. The thing Jun has been working so hard for. Nino couldn’t think of a time where he had been this happy for someone.

“Jun-kun, you did it!” Nino sat up to tackle Jun into a hug. “You did it, I told you you’re going to be just fine, I told you.” He sat upon on Jun’s lap, arms wrapped around Jun’s neck, and wiped away tears.

Jun broke into a smile that reached his eyes, the one Nino loves the most, and what makes it more special is that the smile is directed towards him. He dropped a kiss on Nino’s smiling lips. “All thanks to you, Kazu.” He later pulled Nino closer, and just hugged him, tight and warm. “Thank you for believing in me.” Jun whispered, and Nino could feel teardrops on his shoulder, but he didn’t mention it.

“Jun-kun?” Nino whispered. “I’m so proud of you.”

At the sight of Jun’s smile, Nino thought, he wouldn’t trade this for even a mine of gold.

***

June, 2019.

It took them six months, because Jun was kept busy with work, and there were always new things to be done, old things to be fixed. Nino watched as Jun went through each and every revisions while still working on his editorial work. Nino was also the person Sho asked for help when Jun was working himself to the bone.It wasn’t easy, but Nino knew Jun would pull through. After all, it’s a path that he has chosen.

Nino is sitting at the back of the counter as always, since Jun was the one who told him that he’s going to meet him later, anyway. His DS in his hands, enjoying the quietness of the library, serene, peaceful.

He looked up when the door opened, revealing a very fresh looking Jun who waved excitedly at him. Jun’s mouth curved into a grin, and went to the counter, placing a box that was decorated like a gift, and an envelope.

“Hi, Kazu. I’ll be at my usual place.” He smiled and left without even waiting for Nino to say anything.

Nino quirked one of his eyebrows and glanced at the sunflowers he bought for Jun under the counter, guess he’ll just give it to him later. He took the yellow box and the envelope, opening the purple envelope first. To Ninomiya Kazunari-sama, what the hell has gotten into him? Nino chuckled, and took out the papers in it.

Hi, Nino.

As I’m writing this, you’re currently sleeping next to me, do you know that your sleeping face is so cute? You don’t look like a 35 year old, which is honestly unfair. Do you drink from the fountain of youth or something? ...Alright, I’ll stop babbling now.

You see, Nino, I know I call myself a writer––or I aspire to be one, whatever. But I’m not good with words, especially when they have to be spoken. Which is why I’m writing this letter even though you’re lying beside me, I hope my words will be able to reach you better this way. I hope you don’t mind.

Last year was the best birthday in my life.

I have been talking to Sho about you. I told him that there’s this librarian at the library I frequent, and if he’s not working, he’s always at the counter playing games. I didn’t tell him that the librarian is cute, but Sho always manages to look past my cover ups. Every time I go to the library, I always try to find a way to talk to you, but I couldn’t really think of anything.

I kinda suck at flirting, sorry. Haha.

Which is why I didn’t really need your help for the book back then, I could’ve found it myself. But it was a birthday present to myself, to finally talking to you. It made me happy when our interactions didn’t end there, and you truly have no idea how happy you made me when you first kissed me on that hill.

You were the first person who responded to the dream of mine so genuinely, so purely. When you told me that you were going to be rooting for me, I knew you were different from other people. But what I couldn’t believe was that you would actually hold my hand until we got this far, Nino. I didn’t expect this, and it still feels unreal until now. But I just want to tell you that I’m grateful to you. I’m so grateful that you went through all the ups and downs together with me, I’m so grateful that you didn’t leave even when things got rough. I’m grateful that you are here with me when I got to say that “I achieved my dream”.

Thank you for loving me even in the days where I’m hard to love, thank you for loving me when it gets hard and we could barely meet, thank you for loving me when my stress got the better of me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for meaning every words you said that night.

I know this is not the end. I know there’s still a long, long way to go. But I have modified my dreams a little bit. Will you hear me out?

I want to be a writer … and I want to get there while still not letting go of your hand.

I don’t want to spend the rest of this journey with anyone else, Nino. I want to celebrate my successes with you, I want to go through the hard times with you. I want to be with you through the thick and thin, the good and bad. I just want you, and only you, forever.

We haven’t even known each other that long, but I certainly hope I will get to spend more days with you. I have forgotten what life without you feels like, and this dream is going to end if you’re not going to be a part of it.

So please, will you stay with me, and hold my hand until the end of the journey?

All yours,

Jun

Nino probably shouldn’t have read this at work, because now he could feel tears welling up and shimmering at the corner of his eyes, but he immediately wiped them away, putting the letter back in the envelope. He remembered what Jun told him the first time they met. I guess dreams change too, just like people.

They haven’t been together for long, but Nino had treasured every time he got to spend together with Jun. Jun had made him a better person, and Jun was the one who practically turned Nino’s life into something that’s a little bit merrier, while not stepping over the border Nino had set. Jun is a good person, and now Nino is just a little overwhelmed by the realization of how much he loves him.

Nino moved to open the box, untying the tie, and taking out the book in it.

It’s Jun’s book.

His first book.

Nino runs his hand on the cover, feeling the weight in his hand. He caressed the title, The Names of the Summer, and a surge of happiness flowed through him when his thumb touched the name of the author. Matsumoto Jun.

Nino opened the book, threading the pages one by one, until he got to the one page that almost made him break in tears at his workplace.

Dedicated to Kazu,

I know I haven’t told you this yet, so I will now.

I love you.

Ah, also, happy birthday.

Ten months into their relationship, and Jun had never said it out loud to him. Nino thought maybe he’s just not ready. He didn’t mind; it’s not like Jun doesn’t love him just because he didn’t say it. But Nino should’ve known that Jun, forever the romantic dreamer that he is, would say it here at the dedication page of his first book.

Nino put down the book, carefully placing it together with the letter in the box, and inserted it into his drawer. He wiped his cheeks and eyes, and took the sunflowers he bought, marching to where Jun is.

Jun is apparently working on yet another manuscript, and Nino just stood next to him, putting down the sunflowers on the table. Jun gave the sunflowers a glance, then he looked at Nino, eyes wide and full of wonder, and maybe a glimmer of hope.

None of them said anything, and soon it would become a staring competition, so Nino finally spoke up.

“Matsumoto Jun, I have so many things I want to tell you.” Nino started, and Jun’s looking at him, his eyes bright. “But I really want to start kissing you, so can I just wrap them up in an I love you so much and you’re literally making me dizzy with all this and I don’t think I will ever stop falling in love with you everyday?”

Jun laughed, crinkles appearing around his eyes. Nino moved to hug him, bending down. “I’m so proud of you. Of course I would stay with you, dumbass. Why do you even have to ask?” He whispered, hugging Jun tight, holding Jun close to him. “Also you, you dedicated a wholeass book for me, and then decided to release it on my birthday, and just …. I don’t know what kind of kindness I did to deserve having you in my life, Matsumoto Jun. But I’m glad I do. I’m really glad I do. Thank you, Jun-kun.”

Jun hasn’t said anything, arms wrapping around Nino.

“I’m so happy I met you, Jun-kun.”

Finally, Nino moved a little to press his lips against Jun, and he’s trying to convey all the things he can’t express in words. How grateful he is to have Jun in his life, how proud he is of Jun, how he’s going to stand by Jun and gladly watch him as he chases his dreams. Here, in the library where it all started, he wants to tell Jun how important his existence has become in Nino’s life. How he has made Nino a better person, how he has made Nino’s days brighter and happier.

When they pulled apart, Jun had a big smile on his face, one Nino wished he could witness for the rest of his life. He pressed their foreheads together, and finally, finally said the things Nino had been dying to hear out loud.

“I love you, Kazu,” Jun whispered. “Happy birthday.”