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Title : Never Fated Together
Pairing : Juntoshi, Yama, Junba, Aimiya (Friendship), Matsumiya (Friendship)
Rating : PG-15
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Summary: He waited for Ohno to love him. For years until his rival came back. It’s time to give up.
Disclaimer : I don’t own them. I’m too poor to even buy their clothes
AN : Character Death! Member betrayed others
AN to recipient : Writing this one is challenging for me because, well, I have the idea but not the right word. When you gave me the list of your prompt, i tried to combine all your liking in one fic, and it's pretty messy while plotting. hopefully you'll like the end product. Sorry if this doesn't satisfy you.
Jun knew that he wasn't the one for Ohno. Nonetheless, he couldn't stop his heart from beating for him. He continuously hoped and continuously gave hints for Ohno to realize his feelings but to no avail. Ohno would never treat him any more than a friend, a brother perhaps, but never a lover.
Yet, why couldn't he give up?
Jun never understood why it was hard for him to tell Ohno what he felt. Years had passed and for all those times, he's stuck figuring how he could convey his feelings that were begging for the man and giving him reasons to keep on living, for the man himself.
He wondered if Ohno was deaf or blind, or maybe he's so dense that he failed to notice Jun's presence despite being in front of him all the time. Thus, Jun kept suppressing the hurt he felt every time Ohno took someone home or talked about some other guys or girls he met. During those times too, Jun wondered how long he could stay when all it did was to give him pain.
And today, the question arose again.
It was his fifth glass of drink when Ohno arrived at the promised restaurant, with a familiar face beside him. A face that made Jun force a laugh.
Ohno walked into the restaurant together with Sho, whom later he re-introduced as the new guy in his office. Ohno looked so happy with the fact that the three of them were finally reunited. After all, they were friends since high school, but Sho had left for New York to follow his father in their second year.
Jun noticed how Ohno was smiling upon their reunion, a smile Ohno never made when he's with Jun and he knew he could never own. His thoughts left an ache in his heart. A part of wanting to believe that the reason behind Ohno's bright smile was because he's happy to see an old friend after such a long time, but he knew it was not just that. He remembered the night before when Ohno had brought up the topic of Sho along with memories of their younger years. He only realized now how slow he was on the uptake, on what Ohno was trying to tell him. He should have given up soon, and that soon was coming near, he knew it.
Sho, on the other hand, was acting normal. He's showing nothing but bliss upon the reunion with his old friends. He was the one to start a conversation as they’d got to Jun's table.
“It's been a long time, right Matsujun-”
Jun faked a smile.
“Indeed. For some reason, I’m glad you still remember my nickname.”
They laughed then proceeded to order the food. Their conversation flowed smoothly with various topics of their past and their present. Jun acknowledged the fact that Sho had moved to Tokyo to gain experiences on Japanese market before establishing his own company. It had been a long process until he was accepted into the same firm as Ohno.
“It was tough, but I guess fate was siding with me,” Sho said as he subtly stole a glance at Ohno.
Sho’s gestures told him everything. He wasn't stupid enough to not realize what Sho wanted to say or, rather, to claim. They had made a bet after all. He tried to ignore his aching heart and kept calm to avoid ruining the mood along with everything else. He tried faking the uneasiness he felt by actively participating in the conversations.
But in the end, Sho was the one winning.
“So, are you both dating?” Sho asked after Ohno had left for the toilet. Jun chuckled.
“I wish.”
“Really?”
“He’s never chosen anyone. I refuse to rush it. That’s what we decided right?” Jun reminded him, taking a few sip from his glass. He noticed the smug face of Sho, yet his own expression was neutral.
“I can have a chance then?” Sho asked, chuckled when he did. Jun laughed bitterly.
“You never move on, don’t you?”
“First love is hard to forget.”
Jun hated to admit, but Sho was indeed right. Ohno was his first and forever love, and it was hard to move on.
*
“Let’s make a deal,” Sho’s voice had echoed inside his head for 20 years.
“Whoever stays by Satoshi’s side forever, he wins. No one will object the result until Satoshi decides it himself, we should never rush him to choose between us. Agree?”
Jun remembered having the urge to punch Sho with all he might at that time. They fought a lot, the word ‘deserve’ always appeared in their sentences when they started to argue about Ohno. When the climax reached, the bet appeared. Even though Jun never agreed on the first place, he had to.
But a few years later, Jun seemed to win it when Sho told them about his move to New York. Losing a best friend was hard, but nothing was harder than watching how devastated Ohno was when he heard the news. He had to admit that, between Sho and him, Ohno preferred to talk most of his problems with Sho as they were almost at the same age. But Ohno never mentioned Sho’s name anymore since the day the boy left, leaving him as the place for Ohno to lean most of the time.
With Sho appearing now, Jun felt like he’s losing his chance. Especially when Sho was now working under the same roof as Ohno.
“But you stayed, Jun. For 20 years,” Aiba’s voice startled him from his thought. “That bet was no longer valid the moment he left.”
“That’s right-“Jun said, a little hesitate in his voice. “But there’s another condition that didn’t make him lose totally. Ohno never choose.”
“I see that,” Aiba replied. “An absolute idiot he is. How couldn’t he see you when it is always you who is there for him?”
“Love is blind, Masaki-“
“Indeed, but he’s not. He should see it-“
Jun didn’t listen to Aiba’s rambling on his own opinion. Truthfully, he’s glad to have him, his officemate who kept listening to him like he always did to Ohno. Aiba was a great listener, and his advice would always spot on. Except, Jun wasn’t courageous enough to say it aloud in front.
Every single time Jun talked to Aiba about his problem, Aiba would suggest him to say out the truth to Ohno.
“I don’t think it will hurt. Even if he’s going to reject your feeling. You two are best friends. He sure doesn’t want to ruin it just because you say you like him.”
It’s always the same advice. Yet, he could never make a move.
He looked at Aiba, wondering why couldn’t he fall for the man instead? Perhaps, that’s the same reason why Ohno couldn’t see him the way he saw the man. Aiba was attentive to him. The same as him who was attentive to Ohno. Aiba was a great listener to him, just like him to Ohno. Yet, why couldn’t he love someone else but Ohno?
“I’ve told you, Jun. You’re going to regret it if you don’t tell him about-“
Aiba’s words were cut short when Jun saw something that disturbed his attention. His hand grabbed Aiba’s, causing the man to wince a little when Jun’s finger brushed on the bruised spot on his wrist.
“He did it again, didn’t he?” Jun asked, his expression’s serious. His blood boiled when Aiba nodded.
“Seriously, Masaki!”
“I have nowhere else to go, Jun! He’s the one that I have!”
“A father shouldn’t abuse his own son! You’re 26 years old for god sake! Just because your mother left him, doesn’t mean he can lash out all of his anger to you.”
Jun always knew about the problems Aiba had. They had been friends since the college days. He knew about how abusive Aiba’s father was. That was one of the reasons why Aiba always refused to go home during the term break. But things got worse when Aiba had graduated. Six months unemployed, he faced all kind of mentally abusive words from his father. He was accused as a cursed, unworthy child who brought misfortune to the family. He told Jun when he had it enough and that was the time Jun had recommended Aiba to his boss. Luck sided him, he was accepted for the job.
But the abuse didn’t stop there. Few months since he got the job, his mother left the house, telling him that she would find a better place for them. But Aiba never heard from her a month later. From that moment, Jun always saw those bruises on the man’s body, including his face.
“You really need to move out from that house, Masaki. He’s going to be the death of you.”
“Easy for you to say. Where, though? Your house?” Aiba asked. His tone was confusingly changed from bearing the sadness to his usual giddy self. Jun patted his head softly.
“You know we only have two bedrooms which are already occupied by me and Ohno.”
“Well, we can share the bedroom if that’s what’s bothering you,” Aiba mumbled his replied, loud enough to be heard by Jun. He laughed, noticing how Aiba had turned red by his own words, but taking this as his chance, Jun teased the man.
“Well, I will only share my bedroom with someone special. Would you like to be one?”
Only if Jun could see how those words did mean something, perhaps he wouldn’t regret his whole life for saying it.
Aiba never said a word as a reply, though. He chuckled bitterly before leaving Jun alone at his workplace. His heart was wrenching, knowing that those words are just a joke that meant absolutely nothing to the man.
***
Jun never knew why he kept staying when the only thing he could see was a distance that kept widening between him and Ohno ever since Sho reappeared in their life. Ohno would leave first early in the morning and only came back when Jun was already too tired to stay awake.
He missed the man. He missed the conversation they used to have, only the two of them. He loved to hear all kind of whines that Ohno chose to talk about during their dinner but now, when they had the chance to talk, it would be always about Sho.
“Do something, Jun,” Aiba said to him two months since Sho had come back. It was during that one night when Aiba had asked him to go for a dinner, together with Nino.
Nino, Aiba, and Jun knew each other. They had been friends together since their college year. It was safe to say that Nino was the second guy after Aiba who knew about Jun’s crush on Ohno.
“Believe me, I want to. But the bet-“
“If I were Sho, I would break the bet in order to win. What?” Nino asked, noticing Jun was looking at him with a frown on his face. “Trust me, Jun. Someone like Sho, who decided to come back and ask you that he still has a chance, that kind of guy will do anything to get what he wants. It’s up to you on how you want it to be.”
A part of his heart was trying to deny it. He wanted to believe that Sho was not that kind of guy who would ruin their friendship just because of a silly bet. But then, Sho’s words few months ago repeated inside his head, telling him that whatever Nino was saying was probably right. That maybe, he was going to lose the bet, losing Ohno, the guy who he had been in love with for years but never felt the same for him.
“I have another suggestion, though,” Nino said, breaking the silent created after the last words he said. Jun raised his eyebrows. “Give up on that guy-“
“Nino, you know I-“
“Everyone deserves someone better, Jun. But he’s not giving you any chance. You might be dead already before you could make a move-“
“But-“
“There is someone who deserves you more than he does. And if you could see it, you deserve this guy too-“
“Stop!” Aiba’s voice raised a pitch, stopping Nino from saying anymore word. His face was red, his movement was exceptionally clumsy for an unknown reason. His lips were forming that bitter smile, a smile that Jun saw as excruciating pain of the owner. Jun didn’t understand why Aiba did that, but before his thought drove him even further, Aiba continued.
“I have an idea, though, if you don’t mind?”
Jun frowned. “What?”
“You both need some times alone. I’ll figure it out,” Aiba said in his usual cheerful tone. But Jun couldn’t bring the excitement together. He knew Aiba. Because of that too, he understood that whatever Aiba had planned always ended up fail.
He just wished it wouldn’t.
***
Two days later, he received a mail from Ohno. One simple message that made him grin like an idiot once he finished reading it. Of course, he couldn’t believe his eyes once he got it, but then later he remembered that probably was Aiba’s original plan.
He peeked across the table when he saw Aiba laughing over it, but he replied Ohno’s message almost instantly.
“Great, I see you at 8 pm.”
He thought it was a perfect plan. A dinner, just the two of them. Perhaps, that would be the best time for him to tell Ohno about his feeling. There was a possibility that he might get rejected upon confessing, but Nino was right. He needed to make a move.
But then, nothing would be as perfect as on thought.
He walked in, feeling nervous when he saw Ohno there, somewhere at the corner in the restaurant. Yet to Jun, Ohno was his center of attention. The man was there, sitting so stylishly, his face, despite his dark skin radiated so beautifully that he couldn’t take his eyes away from him.
Just when he reached the table, he could hear how fast his heart beating at the moment. Except-
“Matsujun-“ the man exclaimed, obviously shocked. “What are you doing here?”
The question was a big slap to him. At first, he wondered how silly Ohno could be when he was the one who had invited him for a dinner, but then he realized. It wasn’t Ohno. It was Aiba.
It was Aiba who had planned this, putting him in such an awkward position.
“I just- I received a message from you. You invited me for a dinner.” Jun stumbled for words, wondering how he shouldn’t humiliate himself even more.
Ohno frowned, chuckled.
“Um, no. I didn’t send you one-“
“But you did. I can show you the message,” Jun said, fishing out his phone before Ohno replied.
“No, Matsujun. I didn’t. I lost my phone. I went out with Aiba and Nino then I lost it until this evening. Well, I did get it back, though I never know who had sent it back to me, but maybe… Thinking about it again, if the person took my phone just to text you, then it means he has some kind of intention, maybe? Is he trying to prank on you by using my name?”
It made sense. It made a lot of sense that he couldn’t stop himself from shaking with anger.
This was not the surprise that he wanted. Not a plan he would ever approve. He felt like an idiot, and even the way Ohno looked at him suddenly felt like a mocking one.
Still, Jun asked. “Then, why are you here?”
“I thought Sho was leaving me a note about this place. He said to be here by 8 pm so here I am. Wait. So we’ve both got pranked?” Ohno innocently laughed over his own question. But Jun didn’t find it funny.
It was too much.
“Well then, enjoy your dinner with him,” Jun replied, trying to act all naturally when inside he was burning with anger. He was about to leave when Ohno stopped him.
“You’re here, why don’t we have a dinner together?”
Harshly, he yanked his hand away from the man.
“I’m not hungry, and you’re not waiting for me, Ohno. Have a nice meal,” he said before he walked out of the restaurant.
He couldn’t find his way back home. There was no possible way he could go back home now, taking the fact that he was mad, embarrassed and he knew he couldn’t face Ohno. At least not now.
He thought that no one would be at the office in this hour hence he led his way there. But the moment he entered his floor, it was light up. From one part of the partition, the sound of the keyboard hit was heard.
He froze at first when his eyes met Aiba’s who later smiled at him. But he couldn’t bring himself to smile back at the point. His blood was still boiling, angered by the idea that Aiba was the one responsible for what had happened tonight.
“How was it going?” Aiba cheerful voice was coming from his workplace.
“Why are you here?” Jun asked, annoyed was obvious in his tone.
“He was there. I can’t-“
“I don’t care about it. Could you leave?”
“Jun –“ he stopped when he saw Jun was glaring at him. There, he knew. It had gone worst.
“You’re mad at me,” Aiba said a matter of fact. He should have known it. It was stupid, the whole plan. But was it wrong for him to do it for the sake of Jun’s happiness?
“Why the hell did you do that?” Jun asked, furious. Aiba was taken aback but he tried to stay composed. Jun had never raised his voice to him like this before. This was the first.
Ever since he knew Jun, it was always Ohno whom the man was longing for. Each day, he could see how much the man was hurting for Ohno’s stupidity of not seeing the one who kept staying by his side. Even until the day he realized he had fallen for Jun, Aiba had to deal with the fact that Jun would never see him the way he should deserve it.
But he refused to be selfish. Perhaps, happiness never meant for him. He just wanted Jun to be happy. He wanted to help. He always wanted to help but he couldn’t find a way how he could. Hence, when he got the chance last night, he couldn’t think it straight.
He wanted Jun to be happy. Even if he wasn’t the reason for the man’s happiness.
“I want you to be happy, Jun-“
“Happy?” Jun snorted, annoyed by Aiba’s answer. “Do I look like I am happy to you?”
“Jun-“
“I fucking don’t need your help! I don’t need your help because, for god sake, you’re the most idiot guy I’ve ever met who can’t even think of the consequence of what you’ve done!”
“I just want you to-“
“To what? I look like an idiot to him now. Things are growing awkward between us all because of your silly help! For god sake, just stay away from me!”
“How can it became awkward when it was just a simple dinner?”
“You seriously asked me that? He is not stupid Aiba! Losing his phone. A message was sent to me. A note was left for him before the two of us ended up in the same place at the same time for two different reasons. It was embarrassing. You’re embarrassing me! How idiot you can be?”
“Jun-“
“I fucking don’t need your explanation by now. Please, if you could give me a favor, leave!”
“I can’t-“Aiba said. Jun wasn’t deaf, he could hear the man’s shivering voice. He was at the point of breaking. But his anger was controlling him. Despite hearing how fragile Aiba’s voice was, despite seeing how the man was trying so hard to hold himself to stand strong, he spat.
“Are you deaf or are you plainly stupid? I said leave me alone!”
“I can’t-“
“Don’t try me, Aiba!”
“You have to listen to me, Jun! I did that because I want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy because I love you!”
Silence.
Jun’s eyes narrowing as he glared at the man. His head was screaming for him to push Aiba away. His heart felt like bursting, bearing the anger he felt inside, for all he could think about was that Aiba was not making sense.
“I just love you so much.” Here, the man broke. “So damn much that I just want you to be happy.”
“He’s not going to choose me, Aiba! How is that going to make me happy? And now that he knew it, all the thing that’s going to happen is the space between us growing even wider. Tell me, how will that make me happy?”
A soft sob escaped Aiba’s mouth. He lowered his head, refused to meet Jun’s angry eyes. But Jun was way too enrage to tell the man it was fine.
“I wish that you will see me too. Only if-“
Jun had it enough.
“You’re ridiculous. Get lost!”
He was furious. Too furious to notice how shaking Aiba was bearing the hurt he felt inside. His heart crumbled, Jun’s word was breaking him more than he could even think.
When the door to the office was closed with a loud thud, Aiba’s strength betrayed him. He felt on his knees, a sob escaped his mouth before it grew uncontrollably.
“Why can’t you love me in return?” The question kept on repeated as he cried messily, alone and cold inside the office.
*
Jun knew what Aiba meant well. It made so much sense when Aiba finally confessed it.
But the timing was off. He was furious, frustrated. The feelings were mixed inside, making him confused, and a confession from Aiba was the last thing he wanted to hear.
He loved Ohno. So fucking much that he was afraid to take a step. He was afraid it would ruin their friendship. But before he knew it, it was him who ruined it from the beginning. He wanted Ohno more than just a friend. The fact alone was ruining their friendship.
He was jealous. Ohno’s whole attention was now on Sho, leaving him alone in despair.
To him, it was unfair. He stayed by Ohno’s side when Sho had left them years ago. Why was Ohno too blind to see that he did it for nothing? Why was it so hard for Ohno to realize it when the one who loved him the most was there next to him for all the time?
He wanted Ohno to decide. This needed to stop.
But his blood boiled again when the moment he opened the door to their shared apartment, the image of Ohno lying on his sofa with Sho on top of him. Wet kisses echoed in the leaving room. Their shirts and pants were undone.
He hated it. The way Sho was looking at him, claiming his victory with that smirk formed at the corner of his lips. He hated it, looking at how innocent Ohno was, softly giggling when he realized Jun was there inside the room. No sense of guilt, just a pure happiness.
That was the moment he realized. To Ohno, he was no one. It was always Sho. Ohno didn’t have to decide now. The guy had decided it from long ago. Even when Sho had left. Even though he was the one who stayed by his side.
And it was so damn hurt!
He walked to Sho, grabbed him by his collar before he punched the man hard on his face. Twice, thrice, but there’s nothing left his mouth. The pain was unbearable that all he could do was crying, letting go his frustration by the tears that flowing out of his eyes.
He couldn’t stop even though his ears caught Ohno’s voice behind him, yelling, begging him to stop. Sho was trying to push him but it failed to surpass the strength he had from the anger. Until Ohno pulled him away, slapped him hard on his face, Jun stopped. At that point, he was already way too broken that he wondered if he could ever be healed.
“What’s wrong with you?” Ohno asked, helping Sho to stand up.
“You should ask the question to yourself, Ohno!” Jun hissed. “Ask yourself why am I being so mad-“
“Ok, fine. You saw it. But you have no right to get mad over what you had seen! We’re friends and you’re being ridiculous!”
“I am?” He snapped. “I am? Do you even care about it? Do you even care about my existence around you these whole years? Do you even see me properly before you told me I am ridiculous? For god sake, I stayed because I love you! I fucking love you that I was so afraid to leave because of the whole bet I made with that friend of yours!” He enraged, pointing furiously at Sho. Ohno’s eyes widened in surprised.
“Yes. A bet. A promise that whoever stays by your side will win. And we shouldn’t make you choose until you finally do. I stayed, I kept the promise because I was being a great friend to you. To HIM! And all I see tonight is a betrayal. HE PURSUED YOU WHEN I WAS KEEPING MY PROMISE TO NOT TO DO IT! AND YOU SAID I AM BEING RIDICULOUS!”
The whole room turned silent. His breath was uneven, trying so hard to control his anger from bursting out even more. He had done the damage. He knew there’s no point of returning. But his heart ached. He was so tired of waiting. After all, he had nothing to lose now, didn’t he?
“Now that he had broken it, choose Ohno. Him or me?”
If he wasn’t mad, Jun sure he would chuckle at his own stupidity for asking such question. The answer was obvious. He knew it even though he could see how the one whom he loved was desperately trying to answer it without hurting anyone.
“I can’t choose-“Ohno reluctantly said only to be cut by Jun.
“You can’t. Then, would you tell him, that whatever you’re about to do with him just now meant nothing to you?”
He saw Ohno bitting his lower lip. Guilty and sadness were shown on the man’s face. So did Sho.
But Jun had it enough. It was a rough night, and having everything in the same time was too much.
“Friendship, huh?” He asked mockingly at the two guys. He took the picture frame that displayed their pic from years ago and threw it hard on the floor, breaking the whole frame.
He refused to take another look at the two. He just left, even though Ohno was telling him to wait. But his heart had already broken. Waiting would only break him completely. Hence, he ignored the man, hoping that he would never see them again.
*
He couldn’t decide on where he should go that night. He was heartbroken, going back to his hometown wasn’t a good choice as it would only bring back the memories.
He hated his life. How could he be so stupid for believing the bet that two children had made years ago? At that point, he wasn’t sure which one was hurting him the most; Sho betraying the bet or Ohno who was too blind to see him.
His phone was vibrating nonstop since the moment he went out of his house. HIS house that he shared with Ohno for the sake of keeping him close. Somehow, he laughed over his fate, thinking that even how close Ohno was to him, his destiny wasn’t with Ohno. It’s funny yet it’s so hurt.
He fished out his phone from his pocket. Eight missed calls from Ohno, two were from Sho, and other 35 from Aiba. It had been the same since two nights ago, receiving so many calls and apology messages from all the three guys. He clicked his tongue in annoys.
Aiba’s confession echoed in his head. Love, was the thing even real now? How long had the man fallen in love with him? Why was it now that he had to say his love for him? To Jun, it was just a love that was out of pity, he didn’t need that now. Ignoring the call that just coming from Aiba, he pushed his phone into his pocket before he walked into the cheap hotel he had been staying.
He wanted a rest. Yet Aiba was being persistence.
Except, the man had given up to give him another call. Messages kept on coming. And Jun, being a selfish jerk, chose to read it without replying.
“It always makes me wonder why my father hates me so much.
I’ve got the answer now. Mom isn’t the one he loves.
He was forced to marry her because of my grandfather’s debt.
To him, I brought unfortunate to him.
He has left now. No one loves me, even my own blood.” (9.30 pm)
“Apparently, true love doesn’t exist. To me.” (9.30 pm)
“I wish that you would see me like you see him.
I wish you will appreciate that I was always there for you.
I wish that you would love to love me in return.
I just want to believe that true love does exist.
For me. But apparently, I am not fated for one.” (9.32 pm)
“I’m sorry for being such a bother.” (9.35 pm)
“I won’t bother you again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jun.” (9.38pm)
“I love you.” (9.50 pm)
And then the message stopped from coming. No more vibrating sound coming from the table next to the bed. It was silent. Deadly that it sent a shiver to his spine.
He was being such a jerk. Aiba loved him, there was nothing wrong with the fact. What’s wrong was he was supposed to treat him good even if he couldn’t love Aiba like how the man did. He should have understood the man, especially when they walked in the same shoes.
Their loves both were unrequited and that was hurt as fuck!
He waited. His ego was telling him to wait. Aiba would message him again, that was what he believed. But then an hour passed, and he wondered if the air conditioner was the one that made him feel this cold.
Maybe, maybe if he treated him right, maybe one fine day, they would find each other. Just like Nino had said. He deserved the man like Aiba who deserved him.
“I’m so stupid!” He cursed, rubbing his face with both of his hands.
He picked up his phone, replying the message from the man.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be mad at you.
You meant well. It was my fault. I’m sorry.
Where are you? I’ll come over.
But his messages weren’t read. Even after 10 minutes, the read notification never popped up, let alone a reply from the man. He re-read the man’s messages once again, shivered when he came to the second last message from the man.
I won’t bother you again.
Something was definitely not right. This time, his head was screaming at him for being such an idiot.
Aiba wasn’t telling him all the story for nothing. The man was broken. He needed support just like how he always did when he was heartbroken by Ohno. Aiba was asking him for some support yet, he ignored the man.
He picked up his phone, dialing Aiba’s number again and again. But all that he got was a ringing tone before it went to the mailbox. His heart was pounding so hard, making him felt suffocated in that spacey room. And on the thirteenth times, Jun confirmed, something was definitely not right.
He grabbed his jacket, leaving the hotel room in rush. His heart was thumping so hard, his hand shivered thinking of the possibilities that he had been trying to push away.
Aiba had always been so fragile. So weak. So heartbroken. Yet, he kept supporting Jun when he was down. Why couldn’t he do the same for the man?
But it was too late. The moment Jun broke the door to the guy apartment, he saw Aiba lying flat on the floor. His eyes were wide open, white saliva coming out from his mouth.
Not far from the dead body was a dark glass bottle labeled ‘poison’.
*
It felt like his whole world stopped. A few days ago, Aiba was laughing with him, even though there’s hint of sadness in those laughs. But now, he was gone. One thing that Jun sure would always regret over was that he never got the chance to show Aiba that true love does exist.
He rubbed his hands to his face, wondering if he hadn’t been so stubborn, would the fate change? Would he be able to comfort the broken man? Could he make the man believe that if it hadn't been love, would Aiba still have him as a friend and they could support each other the way they needed it? If he had answered the phone just now, would Aiba still have been alive now?
Aiba was gone and all he felt now was nothing but regrets.
If he hadn’t been so heartbroken, so selfish for hoping for a love from someone who would never choose him…
He heard footsteps running towards the waiting area. Slowly, he turned to look at the guy, quickly recognized him as Nino.
Nino was surprisingly calm as he took a seat next to Jun. No one said a word, even when the nurse handed out the documents he needed to fill in to claim Aiba’s body, he just took it without a word. In silent, he filled in the form before a drop of tear fell on his hand.
“He called me. Just a few hours ago,” Nino started, sobbed between his words. “It's just unfair, you know.” He stared emptily at the wall in front of him. “Why couldn’t he be happy?”
Jun never had an answer for that. Once again, a wave of guilt rushed in, making him feel like throwing out everything he had inside. Images of Aiba, his smile, his bitter laugh, his empty eyes flew by his eyes as his guilt took over him.
“It’s almost 10 years since his heart had fixed on you. Why could’t you, just for once, make him happy like he always did to you? Why wasn’t you there when he needed you? Why couldn’t you, for once, treated him the way he always supported you?” Nino lifted up his head, his eyes met Jun. “Why couldn’t you?”
Nino was right. After all, he was the same as Ohno. An ungrateful jerk who was too blind to see that there was someone who was there for him. Aiba deserved his love, more than anyone else. Yet, he’s an idiot surrendering towards his own idiot thought.
“I know you. If I could turn back time and tell you everything, would you change your heart and make him happy instead?”
“But I-“ Jun cut him. His eyes were already wet with tears, staring emptily at the wall in front of them. “I hurt him. I ignored him when he needed me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Nino.” He wailed, buried his face on Nino’s shoulders.
Once again, the images of Aiba flew by his eyes. His chest felt heavy, thinking how he had been hurting Aiba for all the things he had said to him. About his feeling for Ohno. About him being heartbroken by Ohno. And then, the last conversation he had with Aiba tonight replayed in his head.
He called Aiba an idiot just because the man was trying to help him. How ungrateful had he been?
Slowly Nino pushed him softly. Patting him in his shoulder, a sad smile formed on his lips.
“I’ll take care of him,” Nino said it short before leaving him alone in the waiting area. He watched, observing the heavy steps Nino made as if his legs were heavy with his bearing all the sadness of losing a best friend.
It’s hurt. He felt guilty. He knew he couldn’t stay for long in the hospital, knowing it would only weaken him with all the memories he had with Aiba kept on replaying inside his head. Standing straight, he took a look at Nino who was heading to another room nearby before he had flown the scene, just a few seconds after Ohno arrived there together with Sho.
“Jun-“ He heard Ohno called him, but all he needed now was to sort everything out. To face Ohno was the last thing he wanted to do. He left, not even turning to look at the guy.
*
Two weeks since Aiba’s death, Jun returned to his house, bringing all the memories and his broken heart back to the place that he’d been trying to avoid. Within that two weeks too, he tried to sort everything out, ignoring Ohno’s and Sho’s uncountable amount of calls.
He was hurt. Bearing all the thought inside his head, about how his effort was mean for nothing. For almost 20 years, he was wasting his time running after Ohno’s love that never even existed in the first place. Ohno’s heart wasn’t for him.
But, losing someone who didn’t love him in return didn’t really affected him as much as the fact that he had lost his best friend. He missed it, the way Aiba would tell him to never give up, or when Aiba’s smile soothed all his tense. But Aiba was now gone, and he lost someone who supported him more than everyone else.
There were a lot of things wandering in his mind. He wondered if he had known Aiba’s feeling for him much earlier would it have changed anything? One couldn’t force someone to love another. Love just comes naturally. Having the thought inside his head, Jun noticed that was a first ever mistake he had made.
He shouldn’t get mad about the fact that Ohno never chose him in the first place. Ohno had a right to fall in love with anyone he wanted. And he forgave the man for that. But he couldn’t forgive himself for being the reason of Aiba’s death. If only he picked up the phone…
Ohno had called him several times while he was away, but none he had answered. He’s not trying to make another mistake, but he needed time to be alone. Besides, he was sure enough that Ohno didn’t need him.
Ohno had Sho, he thought, chuckling bitterly at the fact. Ohno had Sho who could support him even when he felt down. Nothing like him being a selfish jerk, ignoring Aiba when he needed him the most. Somehow, he sighed, regretting his past.
The moment he stepped into his house, Ohno wasn’t there. He had prepared himself in case he met either Sho or Ohno or, even worst, the two of them when he came back. But the house sounded empty and cold. And for some reason, he wanted to leave it as soon as possible.
In that two weeks too, he got a way to escape. One day he received a call from the office, telling about an opportunity they’re giving him, Jun could only see it as his best escape. He would be away from Tokyo, away from Ohno. But he decided to bring together the memories he had with Aiba, hoping that it would bring him towards a right person. As ridiculous as it might sound, he still wished for it.
He started to pack his stuff in silent, secretly hoping that Ohno would not come back while he was still there. Hoping that he would leave before Ohno came home, he put everything inside his bags untidily. Some of his stuffs were left in a large box. But it’s not even the half of it when he heard the front door being opened and footsteps were heard rushing towards his bedroom.
“You’re home!” Ohno exclaimed. Happiness sounded sincere in his voice. Still, Jun refused to turn to look at him. He kept on packing.
“You’re leaving?” Ohno asked, slightly disappointed. “Where?”
“New York. Tomorrow. 9 am.” Jun replied, not even bothered to look at the man.
“Why?”
“Promotion.”
“Jun. I’m-“
“I’m not mad at you. You’re not doing anything wrong.” Jun clarified it short. He meant it.
“But you’re leaving.”
“That has nothing to do with the two of us. I choose this.”
“I don’t understand,” Ohno said, desperate.
“I choose this, just like you choose Sho.” Jun said. He threw his last clothes into his baggage, zipped it before he stood, looking at Ohno.
"So you're mad at Sho?" Ohno guessed only to get nothing from Jun. "Jun, I’d never known about the bet you made with him. I was-"
Jun cut him.
“The whole bet thing was stupid to begin with. He didn't need one to win you. You’ve already chosen him before everything."
"Jun-"
"It hurts me though, I have to admit it. I was so madly in love with you that I didn’t notice someone else deserved my love. Someone who kept supporting me when I was hurt, bearing all the thought that I would never get a chance with you. Someone who kept saying to chase for your love when he was dying inside when he said it. Someone who needed my support because he was damn broken but I ignored him because I kept pursuing you. And now that certain someone has gone, leaving me with no chance to learn how to love.”
Ohno looked so beautiful in front of him. So elegant. So radiant even though guilty was obviously shown on the man’s face. Because of this fact too, he couldn’t stay for long. It would be hard for him to leave, especially when he saw how fragile Ohno looked right now.
So fragile, just like Aiba.
“I couldn’t love Aiba. I can’t, because no matter how hard I try, your image will appear inside my mind. But I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any one of you. Hence, my decision is fix. You’re better in Sho’s hand.”
Unlike him, who was such an idiot to make a move, Sho was brave enough to make a step. Sho showed his determination to win Ohno that he came back from New York. And for that reason, he was sure enough that Ohno would be fine with Sho. And he? He was willing to step aside.
Jun didn’t wait for Ohno to respond. He was sure Ohno didn’t have anything to say as well. Hence he kept on packing all of his other belongings, not one was left behind. He locked his baggage, taking a deep breath while convincing himself that this was the right decision.
He refused to take one last look at Ohno even though his ears caught the sobs that coming out from the man’s mouth. It would be hard for him to leave if he did. But then just a few steps from the front door, Ohno hugged him, buried his face on Jun’s shoulder.
“I love you, Jun. I do.”
It was always the words he was hoping for.
“But…”
But Jun chose to let the word left hanging. He pushed Ohno’s hand away, left the house, not even turned to look at it.
He had decided. For he always knew, Ohno would never love him any more than a friend.
And he accepted it as his fate.
Pairing : Juntoshi, Yama, Junba, Aimiya (Friendship), Matsumiya (Friendship)
Rating : PG-15
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Summary: He waited for Ohno to love him. For years until his rival came back. It’s time to give up.
Disclaimer : I don’t own them. I’m too poor to even buy their clothes
AN : Character Death! Member betrayed others
AN to recipient : Writing this one is challenging for me because, well, I have the idea but not the right word. When you gave me the list of your prompt, i tried to combine all your liking in one fic, and it's pretty messy while plotting. hopefully you'll like the end product. Sorry if this doesn't satisfy you.
Jun knew that he wasn't the one for Ohno. Nonetheless, he couldn't stop his heart from beating for him. He continuously hoped and continuously gave hints for Ohno to realize his feelings but to no avail. Ohno would never treat him any more than a friend, a brother perhaps, but never a lover.
Yet, why couldn't he give up?
Jun never understood why it was hard for him to tell Ohno what he felt. Years had passed and for all those times, he's stuck figuring how he could convey his feelings that were begging for the man and giving him reasons to keep on living, for the man himself.
He wondered if Ohno was deaf or blind, or maybe he's so dense that he failed to notice Jun's presence despite being in front of him all the time. Thus, Jun kept suppressing the hurt he felt every time Ohno took someone home or talked about some other guys or girls he met. During those times too, Jun wondered how long he could stay when all it did was to give him pain.
And today, the question arose again.
It was his fifth glass of drink when Ohno arrived at the promised restaurant, with a familiar face beside him. A face that made Jun force a laugh.
Ohno walked into the restaurant together with Sho, whom later he re-introduced as the new guy in his office. Ohno looked so happy with the fact that the three of them were finally reunited. After all, they were friends since high school, but Sho had left for New York to follow his father in their second year.
Jun noticed how Ohno was smiling upon their reunion, a smile Ohno never made when he's with Jun and he knew he could never own. His thoughts left an ache in his heart. A part of wanting to believe that the reason behind Ohno's bright smile was because he's happy to see an old friend after such a long time, but he knew it was not just that. He remembered the night before when Ohno had brought up the topic of Sho along with memories of their younger years. He only realized now how slow he was on the uptake, on what Ohno was trying to tell him. He should have given up soon, and that soon was coming near, he knew it.
Sho, on the other hand, was acting normal. He's showing nothing but bliss upon the reunion with his old friends. He was the one to start a conversation as they’d got to Jun's table.
“It's been a long time, right Matsujun-”
Jun faked a smile.
“Indeed. For some reason, I’m glad you still remember my nickname.”
They laughed then proceeded to order the food. Their conversation flowed smoothly with various topics of their past and their present. Jun acknowledged the fact that Sho had moved to Tokyo to gain experiences on Japanese market before establishing his own company. It had been a long process until he was accepted into the same firm as Ohno.
“It was tough, but I guess fate was siding with me,” Sho said as he subtly stole a glance at Ohno.
Sho’s gestures told him everything. He wasn't stupid enough to not realize what Sho wanted to say or, rather, to claim. They had made a bet after all. He tried to ignore his aching heart and kept calm to avoid ruining the mood along with everything else. He tried faking the uneasiness he felt by actively participating in the conversations.
But in the end, Sho was the one winning.
“So, are you both dating?” Sho asked after Ohno had left for the toilet. Jun chuckled.
“I wish.”
“Really?”
“He’s never chosen anyone. I refuse to rush it. That’s what we decided right?” Jun reminded him, taking a few sip from his glass. He noticed the smug face of Sho, yet his own expression was neutral.
“I can have a chance then?” Sho asked, chuckled when he did. Jun laughed bitterly.
“You never move on, don’t you?”
“First love is hard to forget.”
Jun hated to admit, but Sho was indeed right. Ohno was his first and forever love, and it was hard to move on.
*
“Let’s make a deal,” Sho’s voice had echoed inside his head for 20 years.
“Whoever stays by Satoshi’s side forever, he wins. No one will object the result until Satoshi decides it himself, we should never rush him to choose between us. Agree?”
Jun remembered having the urge to punch Sho with all he might at that time. They fought a lot, the word ‘deserve’ always appeared in their sentences when they started to argue about Ohno. When the climax reached, the bet appeared. Even though Jun never agreed on the first place, he had to.
But a few years later, Jun seemed to win it when Sho told them about his move to New York. Losing a best friend was hard, but nothing was harder than watching how devastated Ohno was when he heard the news. He had to admit that, between Sho and him, Ohno preferred to talk most of his problems with Sho as they were almost at the same age. But Ohno never mentioned Sho’s name anymore since the day the boy left, leaving him as the place for Ohno to lean most of the time.
With Sho appearing now, Jun felt like he’s losing his chance. Especially when Sho was now working under the same roof as Ohno.
“But you stayed, Jun. For 20 years,” Aiba’s voice startled him from his thought. “That bet was no longer valid the moment he left.”
“That’s right-“Jun said, a little hesitate in his voice. “But there’s another condition that didn’t make him lose totally. Ohno never choose.”
“I see that,” Aiba replied. “An absolute idiot he is. How couldn’t he see you when it is always you who is there for him?”
“Love is blind, Masaki-“
“Indeed, but he’s not. He should see it-“
Jun didn’t listen to Aiba’s rambling on his own opinion. Truthfully, he’s glad to have him, his officemate who kept listening to him like he always did to Ohno. Aiba was a great listener, and his advice would always spot on. Except, Jun wasn’t courageous enough to say it aloud in front.
Every single time Jun talked to Aiba about his problem, Aiba would suggest him to say out the truth to Ohno.
“I don’t think it will hurt. Even if he’s going to reject your feeling. You two are best friends. He sure doesn’t want to ruin it just because you say you like him.”
It’s always the same advice. Yet, he could never make a move.
He looked at Aiba, wondering why couldn’t he fall for the man instead? Perhaps, that’s the same reason why Ohno couldn’t see him the way he saw the man. Aiba was attentive to him. The same as him who was attentive to Ohno. Aiba was a great listener to him, just like him to Ohno. Yet, why couldn’t he love someone else but Ohno?
“I’ve told you, Jun. You’re going to regret it if you don’t tell him about-“
Aiba’s words were cut short when Jun saw something that disturbed his attention. His hand grabbed Aiba’s, causing the man to wince a little when Jun’s finger brushed on the bruised spot on his wrist.
“He did it again, didn’t he?” Jun asked, his expression’s serious. His blood boiled when Aiba nodded.
“Seriously, Masaki!”
“I have nowhere else to go, Jun! He’s the one that I have!”
“A father shouldn’t abuse his own son! You’re 26 years old for god sake! Just because your mother left him, doesn’t mean he can lash out all of his anger to you.”
Jun always knew about the problems Aiba had. They had been friends since the college days. He knew about how abusive Aiba’s father was. That was one of the reasons why Aiba always refused to go home during the term break. But things got worse when Aiba had graduated. Six months unemployed, he faced all kind of mentally abusive words from his father. He was accused as a cursed, unworthy child who brought misfortune to the family. He told Jun when he had it enough and that was the time Jun had recommended Aiba to his boss. Luck sided him, he was accepted for the job.
But the abuse didn’t stop there. Few months since he got the job, his mother left the house, telling him that she would find a better place for them. But Aiba never heard from her a month later. From that moment, Jun always saw those bruises on the man’s body, including his face.
“You really need to move out from that house, Masaki. He’s going to be the death of you.”
“Easy for you to say. Where, though? Your house?” Aiba asked. His tone was confusingly changed from bearing the sadness to his usual giddy self. Jun patted his head softly.
“You know we only have two bedrooms which are already occupied by me and Ohno.”
“Well, we can share the bedroom if that’s what’s bothering you,” Aiba mumbled his replied, loud enough to be heard by Jun. He laughed, noticing how Aiba had turned red by his own words, but taking this as his chance, Jun teased the man.
“Well, I will only share my bedroom with someone special. Would you like to be one?”
Only if Jun could see how those words did mean something, perhaps he wouldn’t regret his whole life for saying it.
Aiba never said a word as a reply, though. He chuckled bitterly before leaving Jun alone at his workplace. His heart was wrenching, knowing that those words are just a joke that meant absolutely nothing to the man.
***
Jun never knew why he kept staying when the only thing he could see was a distance that kept widening between him and Ohno ever since Sho reappeared in their life. Ohno would leave first early in the morning and only came back when Jun was already too tired to stay awake.
He missed the man. He missed the conversation they used to have, only the two of them. He loved to hear all kind of whines that Ohno chose to talk about during their dinner but now, when they had the chance to talk, it would be always about Sho.
“Do something, Jun,” Aiba said to him two months since Sho had come back. It was during that one night when Aiba had asked him to go for a dinner, together with Nino.
Nino, Aiba, and Jun knew each other. They had been friends together since their college year. It was safe to say that Nino was the second guy after Aiba who knew about Jun’s crush on Ohno.
“Believe me, I want to. But the bet-“
“If I were Sho, I would break the bet in order to win. What?” Nino asked, noticing Jun was looking at him with a frown on his face. “Trust me, Jun. Someone like Sho, who decided to come back and ask you that he still has a chance, that kind of guy will do anything to get what he wants. It’s up to you on how you want it to be.”
A part of his heart was trying to deny it. He wanted to believe that Sho was not that kind of guy who would ruin their friendship just because of a silly bet. But then, Sho’s words few months ago repeated inside his head, telling him that whatever Nino was saying was probably right. That maybe, he was going to lose the bet, losing Ohno, the guy who he had been in love with for years but never felt the same for him.
“I have another suggestion, though,” Nino said, breaking the silent created after the last words he said. Jun raised his eyebrows. “Give up on that guy-“
“Nino, you know I-“
“Everyone deserves someone better, Jun. But he’s not giving you any chance. You might be dead already before you could make a move-“
“But-“
“There is someone who deserves you more than he does. And if you could see it, you deserve this guy too-“
“Stop!” Aiba’s voice raised a pitch, stopping Nino from saying anymore word. His face was red, his movement was exceptionally clumsy for an unknown reason. His lips were forming that bitter smile, a smile that Jun saw as excruciating pain of the owner. Jun didn’t understand why Aiba did that, but before his thought drove him even further, Aiba continued.
“I have an idea, though, if you don’t mind?”
Jun frowned. “What?”
“You both need some times alone. I’ll figure it out,” Aiba said in his usual cheerful tone. But Jun couldn’t bring the excitement together. He knew Aiba. Because of that too, he understood that whatever Aiba had planned always ended up fail.
He just wished it wouldn’t.
***
Two days later, he received a mail from Ohno. One simple message that made him grin like an idiot once he finished reading it. Of course, he couldn’t believe his eyes once he got it, but then later he remembered that probably was Aiba’s original plan.
He peeked across the table when he saw Aiba laughing over it, but he replied Ohno’s message almost instantly.
“Great, I see you at 8 pm.”
He thought it was a perfect plan. A dinner, just the two of them. Perhaps, that would be the best time for him to tell Ohno about his feeling. There was a possibility that he might get rejected upon confessing, but Nino was right. He needed to make a move.
But then, nothing would be as perfect as on thought.
He walked in, feeling nervous when he saw Ohno there, somewhere at the corner in the restaurant. Yet to Jun, Ohno was his center of attention. The man was there, sitting so stylishly, his face, despite his dark skin radiated so beautifully that he couldn’t take his eyes away from him.
Just when he reached the table, he could hear how fast his heart beating at the moment. Except-
“Matsujun-“ the man exclaimed, obviously shocked. “What are you doing here?”
The question was a big slap to him. At first, he wondered how silly Ohno could be when he was the one who had invited him for a dinner, but then he realized. It wasn’t Ohno. It was Aiba.
It was Aiba who had planned this, putting him in such an awkward position.
“I just- I received a message from you. You invited me for a dinner.” Jun stumbled for words, wondering how he shouldn’t humiliate himself even more.
Ohno frowned, chuckled.
“Um, no. I didn’t send you one-“
“But you did. I can show you the message,” Jun said, fishing out his phone before Ohno replied.
“No, Matsujun. I didn’t. I lost my phone. I went out with Aiba and Nino then I lost it until this evening. Well, I did get it back, though I never know who had sent it back to me, but maybe… Thinking about it again, if the person took my phone just to text you, then it means he has some kind of intention, maybe? Is he trying to prank on you by using my name?”
It made sense. It made a lot of sense that he couldn’t stop himself from shaking with anger.
This was not the surprise that he wanted. Not a plan he would ever approve. He felt like an idiot, and even the way Ohno looked at him suddenly felt like a mocking one.
Still, Jun asked. “Then, why are you here?”
“I thought Sho was leaving me a note about this place. He said to be here by 8 pm so here I am. Wait. So we’ve both got pranked?” Ohno innocently laughed over his own question. But Jun didn’t find it funny.
It was too much.
“Well then, enjoy your dinner with him,” Jun replied, trying to act all naturally when inside he was burning with anger. He was about to leave when Ohno stopped him.
“You’re here, why don’t we have a dinner together?”
Harshly, he yanked his hand away from the man.
“I’m not hungry, and you’re not waiting for me, Ohno. Have a nice meal,” he said before he walked out of the restaurant.
He couldn’t find his way back home. There was no possible way he could go back home now, taking the fact that he was mad, embarrassed and he knew he couldn’t face Ohno. At least not now.
He thought that no one would be at the office in this hour hence he led his way there. But the moment he entered his floor, it was light up. From one part of the partition, the sound of the keyboard hit was heard.
He froze at first when his eyes met Aiba’s who later smiled at him. But he couldn’t bring himself to smile back at the point. His blood was still boiling, angered by the idea that Aiba was the one responsible for what had happened tonight.
“How was it going?” Aiba cheerful voice was coming from his workplace.
“Why are you here?” Jun asked, annoyed was obvious in his tone.
“He was there. I can’t-“
“I don’t care about it. Could you leave?”
“Jun –“ he stopped when he saw Jun was glaring at him. There, he knew. It had gone worst.
“You’re mad at me,” Aiba said a matter of fact. He should have known it. It was stupid, the whole plan. But was it wrong for him to do it for the sake of Jun’s happiness?
“Why the hell did you do that?” Jun asked, furious. Aiba was taken aback but he tried to stay composed. Jun had never raised his voice to him like this before. This was the first.
Ever since he knew Jun, it was always Ohno whom the man was longing for. Each day, he could see how much the man was hurting for Ohno’s stupidity of not seeing the one who kept staying by his side. Even until the day he realized he had fallen for Jun, Aiba had to deal with the fact that Jun would never see him the way he should deserve it.
But he refused to be selfish. Perhaps, happiness never meant for him. He just wanted Jun to be happy. He wanted to help. He always wanted to help but he couldn’t find a way how he could. Hence, when he got the chance last night, he couldn’t think it straight.
He wanted Jun to be happy. Even if he wasn’t the reason for the man’s happiness.
“I want you to be happy, Jun-“
“Happy?” Jun snorted, annoyed by Aiba’s answer. “Do I look like I am happy to you?”
“Jun-“
“I fucking don’t need your help! I don’t need your help because, for god sake, you’re the most idiot guy I’ve ever met who can’t even think of the consequence of what you’ve done!”
“I just want you to-“
“To what? I look like an idiot to him now. Things are growing awkward between us all because of your silly help! For god sake, just stay away from me!”
“How can it became awkward when it was just a simple dinner?”
“You seriously asked me that? He is not stupid Aiba! Losing his phone. A message was sent to me. A note was left for him before the two of us ended up in the same place at the same time for two different reasons. It was embarrassing. You’re embarrassing me! How idiot you can be?”
“Jun-“
“I fucking don’t need your explanation by now. Please, if you could give me a favor, leave!”
“I can’t-“Aiba said. Jun wasn’t deaf, he could hear the man’s shivering voice. He was at the point of breaking. But his anger was controlling him. Despite hearing how fragile Aiba’s voice was, despite seeing how the man was trying so hard to hold himself to stand strong, he spat.
“Are you deaf or are you plainly stupid? I said leave me alone!”
“I can’t-“
“Don’t try me, Aiba!”
“You have to listen to me, Jun! I did that because I want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy because I love you!”
Silence.
Jun’s eyes narrowing as he glared at the man. His head was screaming for him to push Aiba away. His heart felt like bursting, bearing the anger he felt inside, for all he could think about was that Aiba was not making sense.
“I just love you so much.” Here, the man broke. “So damn much that I just want you to be happy.”
“He’s not going to choose me, Aiba! How is that going to make me happy? And now that he knew it, all the thing that’s going to happen is the space between us growing even wider. Tell me, how will that make me happy?”
A soft sob escaped Aiba’s mouth. He lowered his head, refused to meet Jun’s angry eyes. But Jun was way too enrage to tell the man it was fine.
“I wish that you will see me too. Only if-“
Jun had it enough.
“You’re ridiculous. Get lost!”
He was furious. Too furious to notice how shaking Aiba was bearing the hurt he felt inside. His heart crumbled, Jun’s word was breaking him more than he could even think.
When the door to the office was closed with a loud thud, Aiba’s strength betrayed him. He felt on his knees, a sob escaped his mouth before it grew uncontrollably.
“Why can’t you love me in return?” The question kept on repeated as he cried messily, alone and cold inside the office.
*
Jun knew what Aiba meant well. It made so much sense when Aiba finally confessed it.
But the timing was off. He was furious, frustrated. The feelings were mixed inside, making him confused, and a confession from Aiba was the last thing he wanted to hear.
He loved Ohno. So fucking much that he was afraid to take a step. He was afraid it would ruin their friendship. But before he knew it, it was him who ruined it from the beginning. He wanted Ohno more than just a friend. The fact alone was ruining their friendship.
He was jealous. Ohno’s whole attention was now on Sho, leaving him alone in despair.
To him, it was unfair. He stayed by Ohno’s side when Sho had left them years ago. Why was Ohno too blind to see that he did it for nothing? Why was it so hard for Ohno to realize it when the one who loved him the most was there next to him for all the time?
He wanted Ohno to decide. This needed to stop.
But his blood boiled again when the moment he opened the door to their shared apartment, the image of Ohno lying on his sofa with Sho on top of him. Wet kisses echoed in the leaving room. Their shirts and pants were undone.
He hated it. The way Sho was looking at him, claiming his victory with that smirk formed at the corner of his lips. He hated it, looking at how innocent Ohno was, softly giggling when he realized Jun was there inside the room. No sense of guilt, just a pure happiness.
That was the moment he realized. To Ohno, he was no one. It was always Sho. Ohno didn’t have to decide now. The guy had decided it from long ago. Even when Sho had left. Even though he was the one who stayed by his side.
And it was so damn hurt!
He walked to Sho, grabbed him by his collar before he punched the man hard on his face. Twice, thrice, but there’s nothing left his mouth. The pain was unbearable that all he could do was crying, letting go his frustration by the tears that flowing out of his eyes.
He couldn’t stop even though his ears caught Ohno’s voice behind him, yelling, begging him to stop. Sho was trying to push him but it failed to surpass the strength he had from the anger. Until Ohno pulled him away, slapped him hard on his face, Jun stopped. At that point, he was already way too broken that he wondered if he could ever be healed.
“What’s wrong with you?” Ohno asked, helping Sho to stand up.
“You should ask the question to yourself, Ohno!” Jun hissed. “Ask yourself why am I being so mad-“
“Ok, fine. You saw it. But you have no right to get mad over what you had seen! We’re friends and you’re being ridiculous!”
“I am?” He snapped. “I am? Do you even care about it? Do you even care about my existence around you these whole years? Do you even see me properly before you told me I am ridiculous? For god sake, I stayed because I love you! I fucking love you that I was so afraid to leave because of the whole bet I made with that friend of yours!” He enraged, pointing furiously at Sho. Ohno’s eyes widened in surprised.
“Yes. A bet. A promise that whoever stays by your side will win. And we shouldn’t make you choose until you finally do. I stayed, I kept the promise because I was being a great friend to you. To HIM! And all I see tonight is a betrayal. HE PURSUED YOU WHEN I WAS KEEPING MY PROMISE TO NOT TO DO IT! AND YOU SAID I AM BEING RIDICULOUS!”
The whole room turned silent. His breath was uneven, trying so hard to control his anger from bursting out even more. He had done the damage. He knew there’s no point of returning. But his heart ached. He was so tired of waiting. After all, he had nothing to lose now, didn’t he?
“Now that he had broken it, choose Ohno. Him or me?”
If he wasn’t mad, Jun sure he would chuckle at his own stupidity for asking such question. The answer was obvious. He knew it even though he could see how the one whom he loved was desperately trying to answer it without hurting anyone.
“I can’t choose-“Ohno reluctantly said only to be cut by Jun.
“You can’t. Then, would you tell him, that whatever you’re about to do with him just now meant nothing to you?”
He saw Ohno bitting his lower lip. Guilty and sadness were shown on the man’s face. So did Sho.
But Jun had it enough. It was a rough night, and having everything in the same time was too much.
“Friendship, huh?” He asked mockingly at the two guys. He took the picture frame that displayed their pic from years ago and threw it hard on the floor, breaking the whole frame.
He refused to take another look at the two. He just left, even though Ohno was telling him to wait. But his heart had already broken. Waiting would only break him completely. Hence, he ignored the man, hoping that he would never see them again.
*
He couldn’t decide on where he should go that night. He was heartbroken, going back to his hometown wasn’t a good choice as it would only bring back the memories.
He hated his life. How could he be so stupid for believing the bet that two children had made years ago? At that point, he wasn’t sure which one was hurting him the most; Sho betraying the bet or Ohno who was too blind to see him.
His phone was vibrating nonstop since the moment he went out of his house. HIS house that he shared with Ohno for the sake of keeping him close. Somehow, he laughed over his fate, thinking that even how close Ohno was to him, his destiny wasn’t with Ohno. It’s funny yet it’s so hurt.
He fished out his phone from his pocket. Eight missed calls from Ohno, two were from Sho, and other 35 from Aiba. It had been the same since two nights ago, receiving so many calls and apology messages from all the three guys. He clicked his tongue in annoys.
Aiba’s confession echoed in his head. Love, was the thing even real now? How long had the man fallen in love with him? Why was it now that he had to say his love for him? To Jun, it was just a love that was out of pity, he didn’t need that now. Ignoring the call that just coming from Aiba, he pushed his phone into his pocket before he walked into the cheap hotel he had been staying.
He wanted a rest. Yet Aiba was being persistence.
Except, the man had given up to give him another call. Messages kept on coming. And Jun, being a selfish jerk, chose to read it without replying.
“It always makes me wonder why my father hates me so much.
I’ve got the answer now. Mom isn’t the one he loves.
He was forced to marry her because of my grandfather’s debt.
To him, I brought unfortunate to him.
He has left now. No one loves me, even my own blood.” (9.30 pm)
“Apparently, true love doesn’t exist. To me.” (9.30 pm)
“I wish that you would see me like you see him.
I wish you will appreciate that I was always there for you.
I wish that you would love to love me in return.
I just want to believe that true love does exist.
For me. But apparently, I am not fated for one.” (9.32 pm)
“I’m sorry for being such a bother.” (9.35 pm)
“I won’t bother you again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jun.” (9.38pm)
“I love you.” (9.50 pm)
And then the message stopped from coming. No more vibrating sound coming from the table next to the bed. It was silent. Deadly that it sent a shiver to his spine.
He was being such a jerk. Aiba loved him, there was nothing wrong with the fact. What’s wrong was he was supposed to treat him good even if he couldn’t love Aiba like how the man did. He should have understood the man, especially when they walked in the same shoes.
Their loves both were unrequited and that was hurt as fuck!
He waited. His ego was telling him to wait. Aiba would message him again, that was what he believed. But then an hour passed, and he wondered if the air conditioner was the one that made him feel this cold.
Maybe, maybe if he treated him right, maybe one fine day, they would find each other. Just like Nino had said. He deserved the man like Aiba who deserved him.
“I’m so stupid!” He cursed, rubbing his face with both of his hands.
He picked up his phone, replying the message from the man.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be mad at you.
You meant well. It was my fault. I’m sorry.
Where are you? I’ll come over.
But his messages weren’t read. Even after 10 minutes, the read notification never popped up, let alone a reply from the man. He re-read the man’s messages once again, shivered when he came to the second last message from the man.
I won’t bother you again.
Something was definitely not right. This time, his head was screaming at him for being such an idiot.
Aiba wasn’t telling him all the story for nothing. The man was broken. He needed support just like how he always did when he was heartbroken by Ohno. Aiba was asking him for some support yet, he ignored the man.
He picked up his phone, dialing Aiba’s number again and again. But all that he got was a ringing tone before it went to the mailbox. His heart was pounding so hard, making him felt suffocated in that spacey room. And on the thirteenth times, Jun confirmed, something was definitely not right.
He grabbed his jacket, leaving the hotel room in rush. His heart was thumping so hard, his hand shivered thinking of the possibilities that he had been trying to push away.
Aiba had always been so fragile. So weak. So heartbroken. Yet, he kept supporting Jun when he was down. Why couldn’t he do the same for the man?
But it was too late. The moment Jun broke the door to the guy apartment, he saw Aiba lying flat on the floor. His eyes were wide open, white saliva coming out from his mouth.
Not far from the dead body was a dark glass bottle labeled ‘poison’.
*
It felt like his whole world stopped. A few days ago, Aiba was laughing with him, even though there’s hint of sadness in those laughs. But now, he was gone. One thing that Jun sure would always regret over was that he never got the chance to show Aiba that true love does exist.
He rubbed his hands to his face, wondering if he hadn’t been so stubborn, would the fate change? Would he be able to comfort the broken man? Could he make the man believe that if it hadn't been love, would Aiba still have him as a friend and they could support each other the way they needed it? If he had answered the phone just now, would Aiba still have been alive now?
Aiba was gone and all he felt now was nothing but regrets.
If he hadn’t been so heartbroken, so selfish for hoping for a love from someone who would never choose him…
He heard footsteps running towards the waiting area. Slowly, he turned to look at the guy, quickly recognized him as Nino.
Nino was surprisingly calm as he took a seat next to Jun. No one said a word, even when the nurse handed out the documents he needed to fill in to claim Aiba’s body, he just took it without a word. In silent, he filled in the form before a drop of tear fell on his hand.
“He called me. Just a few hours ago,” Nino started, sobbed between his words. “It's just unfair, you know.” He stared emptily at the wall in front of him. “Why couldn’t he be happy?”
Jun never had an answer for that. Once again, a wave of guilt rushed in, making him feel like throwing out everything he had inside. Images of Aiba, his smile, his bitter laugh, his empty eyes flew by his eyes as his guilt took over him.
“It’s almost 10 years since his heart had fixed on you. Why could’t you, just for once, make him happy like he always did to you? Why wasn’t you there when he needed you? Why couldn’t you, for once, treated him the way he always supported you?” Nino lifted up his head, his eyes met Jun. “Why couldn’t you?”
Nino was right. After all, he was the same as Ohno. An ungrateful jerk who was too blind to see that there was someone who was there for him. Aiba deserved his love, more than anyone else. Yet, he’s an idiot surrendering towards his own idiot thought.
“I know you. If I could turn back time and tell you everything, would you change your heart and make him happy instead?”
“But I-“ Jun cut him. His eyes were already wet with tears, staring emptily at the wall in front of them. “I hurt him. I ignored him when he needed me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Nino.” He wailed, buried his face on Nino’s shoulders.
Once again, the images of Aiba flew by his eyes. His chest felt heavy, thinking how he had been hurting Aiba for all the things he had said to him. About his feeling for Ohno. About him being heartbroken by Ohno. And then, the last conversation he had with Aiba tonight replayed in his head.
He called Aiba an idiot just because the man was trying to help him. How ungrateful had he been?
Slowly Nino pushed him softly. Patting him in his shoulder, a sad smile formed on his lips.
“I’ll take care of him,” Nino said it short before leaving him alone in the waiting area. He watched, observing the heavy steps Nino made as if his legs were heavy with his bearing all the sadness of losing a best friend.
It’s hurt. He felt guilty. He knew he couldn’t stay for long in the hospital, knowing it would only weaken him with all the memories he had with Aiba kept on replaying inside his head. Standing straight, he took a look at Nino who was heading to another room nearby before he had flown the scene, just a few seconds after Ohno arrived there together with Sho.
“Jun-“ He heard Ohno called him, but all he needed now was to sort everything out. To face Ohno was the last thing he wanted to do. He left, not even turning to look at the guy.
*
Two weeks since Aiba’s death, Jun returned to his house, bringing all the memories and his broken heart back to the place that he’d been trying to avoid. Within that two weeks too, he tried to sort everything out, ignoring Ohno’s and Sho’s uncountable amount of calls.
He was hurt. Bearing all the thought inside his head, about how his effort was mean for nothing. For almost 20 years, he was wasting his time running after Ohno’s love that never even existed in the first place. Ohno’s heart wasn’t for him.
But, losing someone who didn’t love him in return didn’t really affected him as much as the fact that he had lost his best friend. He missed it, the way Aiba would tell him to never give up, or when Aiba’s smile soothed all his tense. But Aiba was now gone, and he lost someone who supported him more than everyone else.
There were a lot of things wandering in his mind. He wondered if he had known Aiba’s feeling for him much earlier would it have changed anything? One couldn’t force someone to love another. Love just comes naturally. Having the thought inside his head, Jun noticed that was a first ever mistake he had made.
He shouldn’t get mad about the fact that Ohno never chose him in the first place. Ohno had a right to fall in love with anyone he wanted. And he forgave the man for that. But he couldn’t forgive himself for being the reason of Aiba’s death. If only he picked up the phone…
Ohno had called him several times while he was away, but none he had answered. He’s not trying to make another mistake, but he needed time to be alone. Besides, he was sure enough that Ohno didn’t need him.
Ohno had Sho, he thought, chuckling bitterly at the fact. Ohno had Sho who could support him even when he felt down. Nothing like him being a selfish jerk, ignoring Aiba when he needed him the most. Somehow, he sighed, regretting his past.
The moment he stepped into his house, Ohno wasn’t there. He had prepared himself in case he met either Sho or Ohno or, even worst, the two of them when he came back. But the house sounded empty and cold. And for some reason, he wanted to leave it as soon as possible.
In that two weeks too, he got a way to escape. One day he received a call from the office, telling about an opportunity they’re giving him, Jun could only see it as his best escape. He would be away from Tokyo, away from Ohno. But he decided to bring together the memories he had with Aiba, hoping that it would bring him towards a right person. As ridiculous as it might sound, he still wished for it.
He started to pack his stuff in silent, secretly hoping that Ohno would not come back while he was still there. Hoping that he would leave before Ohno came home, he put everything inside his bags untidily. Some of his stuffs were left in a large box. But it’s not even the half of it when he heard the front door being opened and footsteps were heard rushing towards his bedroom.
“You’re home!” Ohno exclaimed. Happiness sounded sincere in his voice. Still, Jun refused to turn to look at him. He kept on packing.
“You’re leaving?” Ohno asked, slightly disappointed. “Where?”
“New York. Tomorrow. 9 am.” Jun replied, not even bothered to look at the man.
“Why?”
“Promotion.”
“Jun. I’m-“
“I’m not mad at you. You’re not doing anything wrong.” Jun clarified it short. He meant it.
“But you’re leaving.”
“That has nothing to do with the two of us. I choose this.”
“I don’t understand,” Ohno said, desperate.
“I choose this, just like you choose Sho.” Jun said. He threw his last clothes into his baggage, zipped it before he stood, looking at Ohno.
"So you're mad at Sho?" Ohno guessed only to get nothing from Jun. "Jun, I’d never known about the bet you made with him. I was-"
Jun cut him.
“The whole bet thing was stupid to begin with. He didn't need one to win you. You’ve already chosen him before everything."
"Jun-"
"It hurts me though, I have to admit it. I was so madly in love with you that I didn’t notice someone else deserved my love. Someone who kept supporting me when I was hurt, bearing all the thought that I would never get a chance with you. Someone who kept saying to chase for your love when he was dying inside when he said it. Someone who needed my support because he was damn broken but I ignored him because I kept pursuing you. And now that certain someone has gone, leaving me with no chance to learn how to love.”
Ohno looked so beautiful in front of him. So elegant. So radiant even though guilty was obviously shown on the man’s face. Because of this fact too, he couldn’t stay for long. It would be hard for him to leave, especially when he saw how fragile Ohno looked right now.
So fragile, just like Aiba.
“I couldn’t love Aiba. I can’t, because no matter how hard I try, your image will appear inside my mind. But I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any one of you. Hence, my decision is fix. You’re better in Sho’s hand.”
Unlike him, who was such an idiot to make a move, Sho was brave enough to make a step. Sho showed his determination to win Ohno that he came back from New York. And for that reason, he was sure enough that Ohno would be fine with Sho. And he? He was willing to step aside.
Jun didn’t wait for Ohno to respond. He was sure Ohno didn’t have anything to say as well. Hence he kept on packing all of his other belongings, not one was left behind. He locked his baggage, taking a deep breath while convincing himself that this was the right decision.
He refused to take one last look at Ohno even though his ears caught the sobs that coming out from the man’s mouth. It would be hard for him to leave if he did. But then just a few steps from the front door, Ohno hugged him, buried his face on Jun’s shoulder.
“I love you, Jun. I do.”
It was always the words he was hoping for.
“But…”
But Jun chose to let the word left hanging. He pushed Ohno’s hand away, left the house, not even turned to look at it.
He had decided. For he always knew, Ohno would never love him any more than a friend.
And he accepted it as his fate.
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