With a warm feeling, Satoshi opened his eyes in the morning. The room was dim since the curtain was drawn close together but he could see the sunlight tried to pass through but failed. Satoshi smiled as he stretched widely. Feeling sore on his lower half but with a good kind of sore he turned around to find Aiba’s bare back was facing him.

His mouth found Aiba’s shoulder blade and kissed it. The skin was a little damp and salty from sweat. Satoshi’s eyebrows rose when his hand touched Aiba’s arm. He was unusually hot and the skin was trembling. Immediately he pushed himself up to take a look at Aiba closer.

“Aiba-chan!” Satoshi became panic when he noticed that Aiba was looking paler than the white sheet underneath them. Aiba was in foetal position, clutching his stomach like he was having a really bad, severe stomach cramp. Satoshi’s heart stopped as he remembered that Aiba wasn’t eating much yesterday. Perhaps, that was the cause of it?

“What’s wrong, Aiba-chan!” Satoshi shook him a few times but Aiba groaned loudly instead. Satoshi grabbed his boxers, wore it haphazardly and ran towards Aiba’s side. He brushed back Aiba’s sweaty hair out of the way. There were tears running down Aiba’s face. It hurt his heart to see Aiba in pain, and now Ohno was definitely in a full panic mode. What do to? Who to call? Immediately, he ran to his clothes that was lying with Aiba’s in a messy pile that they left inside the bathroom yesterday. Satoshi was cursing loudly when he couldn’t find what he was looking for and nearly cried when he found the damn phone. He ran beside Aiba again.

“Aiba-chan, hold on please. I’m going to call the ambulance.” Satoshi found his sweaty fingers made him hard to even hold the phone let alone dial the hospital’s number. He was relieved when finally, the line was connected.

But then, a hand shot up and pulled Satoshi’s hand away from the ear making the phone dropped. Satoshi could hear the faint hospital operator’s voice speaking.

Satoshi stared at Aiba, who was trying to open his mouth with difficulty. Was Aiba’s fear of hospital resurfacing again? He was trying to call for a help here! Satoshi wanted to say but then he crouched on the floor to bring his ear closer to him instead, to understand him. “What is it Aiba-chan?”

“N-no, no… hos-pi-tal…” Aiba said with difficulty.

“But you’re sick!” Satoshi protested. He found his courage to protest Aiba’s wish of not going to the hospital, since Satoshi, especially after their sex last night, felt a lot more responsible towards Aiba’s well-being.

“My… my… med… med-i-cine…” Aiba’s faint voice came through before he groaned louder and double over from more pain. Satoshi remembered the medicine Ninomiya gave him so he rushed to his bed to grab it. When he came back with the medicine and a glass of water, Aiba slapped it away, refusing to take it. Satoshi was shocked when he saw the pill was rolling onto the floor. “Aiba!” he wanted to scream. But Aiba was trying to say more.

“No-t th-at… In… m-my…b-bag…”

Oh, that one. The envelopes Aiba was trying to hide from him. But he thought Aiba said they were vitamins?!

Nevertheless, he ran to the bag in Aiba’s room, rummaging through it and found a few pills inside. With trembling hands, he tried to ram it inside Aiba’s open mouth but then the unexpected thing happened. Aiba vomited out everything, not just the pills but even his tiny portion of meal the previous night. Satoshi ran to fetch the towels they were using last night and tried to clean the mess, ignoring the acidic smell of the vomit.

It was no use. Satoshi grabbed his discarded phone again. No matter what protest Aiba would give, he was determined to call the ambulance.

About fifteen minutes later, the faint siren that came from an ambulance became louder. Satoshi ran towards the gate to open it. He was already wearing a thin T-shirt and the pants from last night. He tried to make Aiba wear something but it was pretty difficult so he left him naked with just a boxer, under the blanket. He whispered his apology to Aiba for failing to keep him well.

Two paramedics came out with a stretcher. After checking Aiba’s vital signs, they gave Aiba a pain relief injection. Then, they put Aiba into an IV drips and immediately they transferred Aiba to the stretcher and pushed him inside the ambulance where an oxygen mask was put on him. Satoshi had managed to get Aiba’s wallet for his identity card. After everyone was inside, the ambulance passed through the neighbourhood onto the street towards the hospital, siren shrilling, breaking the silent morning.

The short journey felt like hours for Satoshi. He felt immense relief when the ambulance stopped in front of the emergency unit where a doctor and a few nurses were already waiting for them to arrive.

Satoshi was forbidden to go inside. He stared dumbly as he saw the stretcher with Aiba on it being pushed inside before he disappeared behind the door. He was asked to register Aiba’s name at the registration counter by a nurse and after it was done, he was left alone, drowning himself with worry.

He looked at the clock. Ten minutes had passed but he couldn’t stand the wait. He paced around the waiting area continuously, biting his nails in anxiety. What is wrong with Aiba? He looked like he was recovering yesterday? Is Aiba okay now? Why are they taking so long?

It was probably his fault if Aiba suffered from a stomach ache Satoshi had suspected Aiba had. He’d failed to make sure that Aiba took his meal properly. He wanted to tear his hair out in frustration and disappointment to himself. Because of his negligence, Aiba had suffered instead.

A nurse came out to the waiting area but apparently to call another patient, not him. If this went on, he wasn’t sure if he had a nail any longer. He felt numb, the soreness from last night had turned into dull throb that Satoshi couldn’t sense any longer. He wanted to hold onto the memories but it was threatening to slip away, replaced by his worries.

He looked at his phone. Ninomiya had said that Aiba had two days off that ended yesterday evening. Ninomiya might probably be looking for Aiba now. But he had forgotten to bring Aiba’s phone. He didn’t have Aiba’s manager’s number, nor any of Aiba’s family. Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure whether Aiba had a family since he never mentioned anything to him before. A thought came. Matsumoto! He could help to fetch Aiba’s phone for him. In rush, he dialled the number and Matsumoto picked up before the second ring.

Within thirty minutes, Matsumoto was already sitting beside Satoshi, handing him Aiba’s phone and a cup of hot coffee.
“You look like shit,” he told Satoshi honestly. Satoshi turned towards him, his free hand went up to his messy hair and he made an attempt to comb it with his fingers. Matsumoto chuckled, fishing his bag to fetch a comb. “Here.” Matsumoto pushed the comb towards his hand. Satoshi accepted it quietly but then he didn’t do anything to his hair, just grasping the comb tightly inside his trembling fingers. “I’ve spoken to Ninomiya-san,” informed Matsumoto after Satoshi was frustrated when Aiba’s phone was locked with a password.

Satoshi turned to him. “How?” he asked dumbfoundedly.

“When I arrived, the phone was ringing so I answered.”

Not long after Matsumoto finished talking, the door to the waiting room was opened revealing a panting Ninomiya.

“What’s wrong with Aiba?!” he asked. Satoshi shook his head, eyes downcast because he didn’t know what was happening with Aiba right now. The doctor that was treating him hadn’t emerged either.

“What do you mean you don’t know? I thought he’s recovering from his fever?!” Ninomiya gripped Satoshi’s shoulders and shook them.

“Ninomiya-san, please calm down. You’re making a scene here,” said Matsumoto calmly, steering Ninomiya away from Satoshi. Satoshi, feeling he was disappointing everyone, felt a tear running down his cheek which was immediately wiped away by the concerned Matsumoto.

They ended up sitting far away with each other; Satoshi with Matsumoto and Ninomiya at the opposite corner.

“Ohno-sensei?”

Satoshi perked up to look at the person who had called him and had a surprise when the man was very familiar to him. He rose from his seat immediately.

“Sakurai-san?” Sakurai, who was in his white overall smiled when Ohno bowed at him. He had no idea that Sakurai-san, the father of his only online student was working as a doctor here.

“You’re working here?” Satoshi asked, stating the obvious.

“Yes, I’m the head of this department. What are you doing here?” Sakurai asked.

If Sakurai was the head of this emergency department perhaps he could ask about Aiba, he thought.

“My friend, Aiba Masaki is admitted to the emergency room half an hour ago. Can… Can you check on him for me, please?” It was embarrassing to ask his employer’s help but he was desperate. He saw Ninomiya and Matsumoto was approaching the doctor too. “If it’s not troubling for you…” Satoshi added a moment later.

“It’s alright. I’ll take a look,” said Sakurai with reassuring face. Then, Sakurai was gone behind the closed door.
Satoshi was all jittery as he waited for Sakurai to come back and he nearly attacked him when Sakurai emerged with another doctor.

“Is Aiba-san alright, sensei?” Satoshi didn’t know who would explain the real situation to him so he looked at both Sakurai and the young, short doctor whose name tag told him the name was Kazama. Both Sakurai and Kazama looked at each other first before Sakurai explained.

“He’s in stable condition now, but…”

“But?” Satoshi asked. His heart started to beat faster. He hated that word in this situation because it usually brings bad news.

“We’ve retrieved his past medication record and apparently, his condition is a bit worse than we expected,” explained Dr. Kazama.

“But you said he’s stable now?” Satoshi was beginning to get confused with all these contradicting info.

“Yes, for now. We’ll explain further when his family members come.” Sakurai added.

“He has no family members,” Ninomiya suddenly chimed in, it made everyone turned their head at him. A wheel in Satoshi’s head was reeling and then suddenly he declared, “I’m his boyfriend. You can tell me all about him.” Sakurai stared at him for a moment before he asked Satoshi to follow him, leaving Ninomiya and Matsumoto behind.

Satoshi went still on his seat when Sakurai explained their preliminary diagnosis. It was like Sakurai speaking to him through a thick fog that he couldn’t clear.

Sakurai told him that his record said that Aiba was suffering from a third stage of duodenal cancer. A disease so rare that they needed to perform a surgery to determine further treatment; whether he needed a chemotherapy or if the disease had reached the final stage, he would be needing  palliative therapy. The symptoms he was suffering from now was due to the blockage of his duodenum and they needed to perform the surgery as fast as they could.

Apparently, Aiba had defaulting from treatment – most likely by deliberately missing his appointment - and opting to depend on pain medications because he had refused to get the surgery. So, that was why Sakurai had feared that the disease had progressed further since he was last being treated.

As Sakurai was explaining the disease, the stages, what the treatment options and the prognosis, all Satoshi could see in front of him was Aiba’s smiling faces, Aiba singing and dancing with him inside that karaoke box, Aiba’s hand as it wound itself with his, Aiba’s dark eyes as he was looking at him last night…. He can’t be suffering from a cancer. No, Aiba cannot die. He can’t. He can’t leave him!

Satoshi stood up suddenly.

“Sensei. Do what you must. Please save him. I’ll sign everything, do anything you want me to do as long as Aiba can recover. Please Sakurai-sensei!” Satoshi didn’t realize that he was leaning forward and grabbing Sakurai’s arms. Sakurai detached his hands gently.

“We’ll do what we can, Ohno-san.” That was the only reassurance that Sakurai could give him before he was led to follow Sakurai to visit Aiba in the observation ward. Aiba was sleeping soundly on his bed, looking rather pale, a slight frown was decorating his forehead. Satoshi wanted to touch it to ease it away.

“We’ll be transferring him to the surgery ward in a few hours from now,” Sakurai said. After excusing himself, Sakurai walked out of the ward after he gave a reassuring touch on Satoshi’s shoulder.

Satoshi kissed Aiba’s head before he settled on a chair beside him. His hands reached for Aiba’s hand that was covered with a tiny bandage where the IV line was attached on his vein. Satoshi stared at the drips that fell down one by one and he already lost count of it after half a minute.

A vibration startled him. He checked his phone to find that Matsumoto had called him. Although he was hesitating to answer, he couldn’t leave both Ninomiya and Matsumoto hanging outside. Satoshi told Matsumoto and Ninomiya to wait for him.

When he came out, walking like a zombie, Ninomiya and Matsumoto seemed to know what to expect.

“It’s not a good news, right?” Ninomiya asked reservedly.

Satoshi shook his head. Ninomiya and Matsumoto let out a sigh.

“That Aiba, I’ve told him to get a check-up but he refused each time telling me that there’s nothing wrong with his stomach. Tell me, he’s having a gastric ulcer right?” Ninomiya asked.

Satoshi shook his head, his gaze went down with each passing second.

“Then, what? Don’t tell me he got a cancer instead?”

When Satoshi didn’t react because what Ninomiya’s guess was so on point, Ninomiya gasped loudly.

“You’re lying, right?!”

Satoshi should be strong in this situation, but he was still in shock he couldn’t control his emotions. When Satoshi could only shed tears, Ninomiya nearly fainted but Matsumoto caught him.

“Aiba… no… It can’t be… He’s so healthy before…” Satoshi couldn’t hear what Ninomiya said further when he was dragged away by Matsumoto to sit. Satoshi looked at the distraught Ninomiya before he went back inside the ward to be beside Aiba.

Aiba was still sleeping even when he was being wheeled into a different ward. Satoshi followed him. After seeing that Aiba looked comfortable enough, he sat beside him again, just holding tightly onto Aiba’s hand. He wanted to be the one Aiba saw when he woke up. He sent an e-mail to Matsumoto telling him where they were.

Satoshi was dozing when he felt a hand caressing his hair. He woke up with a start to find Aiba was staring at him. Aiba was smiling but the brightness of the smile had considerably dimmer compared to the usual.

“Aiba-chan, are you alright?” Satoshi asked. Aiba attempted to grin wider but the slight wince betrayed his ability to mask the pain.

Aiba nodded, not saying anything.

“Are you hungry?” Satoshi didn’t know whether Aiba was fit to be fed or not but he wanted to ask because Aiba hadn’t eaten anything since this morning. It was nearly dinner time already.

Aiba shook his head. “Take me back home, Satoshi…” Aiba said in raw voice and Satoshi was surprised. Didn’t he know how severe his situation is?

“Aiba-chan, the doctors told me--” Satoshi started, but he was cut by Aiba pretty harshly.

“I don’t care what the doctors say… I’m not sick…” said Aiba, looking outside the window.

“Aiba Masaki!” Satoshi pushed his hair back in frustration. No wonder Aiba was defaulting his treatment, he was in denial, or simply he refused treatment and gave up on living. So, does his existence even matter to him?

Satoshi took Aiba’s hand in his, holding him with both of his hands. Aiba turned to look at his hand then his gaze went to Satoshi.

“Aiba-chan, let’s do the treatment, alright?”

Aiba stared at him. Satoshi stared back, to reaffirm to Aiba that he would be here all the way with him no matter what, hoping that Aiba would agree but then Aiba’s answer crushed that hope.

“No.” The answer was firm.

“But Aiba-chan…”

“I don’t want a surgery.”

“But, that’s the best way-“

“I. Don’t. Want. It.” He stressed each word. Right now, Satoshi thought that Aiba was acting like a petulant child.

“Why?” Satoshi asked back, in deep confusion and frustration.

“Because I want to work.”

What? “You can work after you’ve recovered!” Satoshi fight back.

“Do you think anyone will buy a DVD of me with a scar across my stomach?” Aiba hissed.

So, that was what he was afraid of. He was refusing treatment because he didn’t want a scar. That was stupid. Which was more important. Work or life?

Satoshi told him that and the answer he received was still a resounding ‘No’.

Satoshi nearly cried. He didn’t know how to convince Aiba anymore. “Didn’t you say last night that you loved me, Aiba?” Satoshi asked tiredly. Aiba went silent. Satoshi could see that Aiba was trying hard to reign in his tears from spilling but his stubbornness was stronger.

“Please… I’m begging you. Please get the surgery…” Satoshi squeezed Aiba’s hand, pleading to him.

A silence. Satoshi’s heart was thundering inside his chest waiting for Aiba’s answer. Alas Aiba opened his mouth.

“Take me home, please.”

And Satoshi cried hard.

With Aiba’s persistency of refusing further treatment, Satoshi and all the doctors who tried to persuade him didn’t manage to do so. Even Ninomiya had failed and he had been with Aiba much longer than Satoshi.

With a heavy heart, Satoshi left the hospital with Aiba. Aiba had become cheerful all of the sudden as soon as his feet step outside the ward like he was never sick. Satoshi was really disappointed at him so he just kept quiet. He was afraid that he would explode if he opened his mouth.

The next day, Aiba went out for his filming even though Satoshi forbid him to do so. But Aiba was stubborn, Satoshi had never met anyone who was more stubborn than him.

For more than a week, they both were like in a cold war, mostly silent, only talking to each other when necessary. The plan to move to a new home was postponed due to Aiba’s health.

Satoshi kept doing his usual work. Cleaning the house, cooking for both of them, and tutoring Rei-chan in the morning. He had to prepare only soft food for Aiba to avoid the same scenario from happening again.

Each day Aiba’s bright smile was getting dimmer. He was getting skinnier too. Satoshi was afraid that the smile would diminish soon but he seriously didn’t know what to do next since all of his attempt at talking about the treatment failed.

They also didn’t sleep together anymore, sometimes Aiba didn’t even come home. Although Satoshi was really worried if Aiba did that, he kept the worry to himself.

Satoshi kept rewinding their special night together inside his head. It was the only thing that kept him from breaking apart. With the cold war between them, they never touched each other again and Satoshi was missing Aiba so much it broke his heart.

It wasn’t until three weeks later when he woke up with Aiba lying beside him on the bed, cleaning up the traces of tears he had shed the night before. Satoshi had received an e-mail from Ninomiya telling him that Aiba would be coming home late because he had to attend a party to celebrate the wrap up of his latest movie. The movie would be shown in the cinema next year and if it was received well enough by the general public, it would be the first commercial movie with good production value that Aiba would be in after spending years as an AV actor, in a sub-par production.

Overwhelmed by his longing for Aiba, Satoshi allowed himself to be kissed by him. They made slow, languid love. They reiterated their love for each other as their hips met in shallow but strong thrusts.

They cuddled after they came down from their orgasms, naked under the sheet, staring at each other, reminding themselves how much they wanted to be together. Satoshi didn’t know how long this would last but whatever happened in the future he promised not to forget how he felt for Aiba.

Then, Aiba said something to Satoshi.

“What?” Satoshi asked when he didn’t listen to him the first time.

“I said, I’ll agree to receive the treatment.”

Satoshi got up from his bed so fast, it almost made Aiba toppled over. “Really?!” he screamed, unable to believe what he just heard.

“Only with one condition,” Aiba said, an index finger held in front of him.

“Anything. Even, if there’s hundreds of them I’ll fulfil them for you!”

Aiba chuckled bitterly, looking a little doubtful but hopeful at the same time. Satoshi perched in front of him, wanting to hear what Aiba wanted him to do.

“Even if you don’t like what I’m going to say, please don’t leave me…” Aiba said seriously.

“Why would I leave you?” Satoshi chuckled but his chuckled died when he saw Aiba’s sombre face.

“Satoshi, I need to confess something…”


Aiba entered a small, dimly lit old bar. Quietly, he sat on a stool at the far corner of the bar. “The usual,” He told the bartender who whip up his drink within a minute. Not long later, a man, nearly as tall as him came to sit beside him, pulling out an iPad from his bag.

“I’ve read your e-mail. I’ve prepared the terms and payment here so you can take a look at them.” He showed the iPad to Aiba who took it silently. The page showed all the details of his request, including the side jobs that needed to be done in order to make his request successful. He arched his eyebrows at some of the details, which included breaking into Ohno’s apartment to plant some suspicious items inside it.

Aiba shrugged. He didn’t really care as long as he could have him. Ever since he saw Ohno at his wedding, he was attracted to him – to his comforting and quiet nature and also, to his cute-looking face. Aiba was there as one of the actor but since he came a bit later and didn’t attend the rehearsal they never talked. He had never felt anything like it towards a person before but as soon as his eyes saw the groom, his desire for a companionship came and he became jealous of his bride. He felt that Ohno was made for him not for her.

He sounded so selfish but he couldn’t help it. He saw his test result this morning and he knew full well that he was running out of time. He couldn’t possibly do it alone, he needed help. And now he got it.

His thoughts were interrupted when the man beside him spoke.

“You can review it and if you agree, I’ll begin the work as soon as possible.”

“You’ll keep quiet about this?” Aiba asked, passing the iPad back after he was satisfied with the terms.

Matsumoto gave him a professional smile. “Of course.”


Matsumoto was hiding behind the wall when Ohno ran passed him. Wearing a white mask and hat that were both covering his face, there was little chance that Ohno would recognize him. Walking casually to avoid any suspicion, he headed towards room 1205. Pressing the bell once, he didn’t have to wait long for the door to open. He entered the room.

“He’s gone.” The woman who opened the door said.

“I know. Here’s your payment.” Matsumoto pushed a white envelop towards the woman. Yamamoto peeked inside of the envelop. Feeling satisfied, she smiled.

“It’s been a pleasure working for you,” she said.

“Thank you for your service.” Matsumoto bowed.

“It’s nothing. I’ll be going now, Amuro Ray-san.”

Matsumoto smiled back, lowering his mask after the door was closed behind him. Instantly he wiped out his smile and began gathering the cameras he had installed diligently the day before.

Another work had finished for that day.





The end.